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A New Start; A New Introduction

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TheChickenWhisperer:
Hello CLE,

Most of you know me. For those who do not, I am Tonya. I was removed from the fellowship in February this year for being a pretentious liar. I was guilty. I was bringing leaven into the church by trying to participate in conversations that I did not have full understanding of, and had to be removed. There was so much foolishness in my life and I, myself, was being a fool, following what people told me instead of learning what the Word said for myself. But, God, in His Mercy, has not left me there. I have learned to get more of the Word of God accessible for me and He is teaching me His Word and giving me repentance in the areas where I have sinned, but also helping me grow in His Wisdom and Knowledge. I had become complacent in my spiritual life and was not studying the way I should have. With my poor vision, it was easy to sit back and let someone else study for me and give me the answers. I am grateful that I was removed because it was a wake-up call and it forced me to finish up the digital transcriptions of God Word to be able to read it for myself.  I am still slow, but that is OK.  Slow is good for learning and thinking on the Word and its meaning.

Titus 1:16- They profess that they know God; but in works they deny him, being abominable, and disobedient, and unto every good work reprobate.

Yes. That was me. Trying to participate in conversations I did not have full understanding of and this was abominable, and did not show any obedience or knowledge of the Lord. It showed me wanting to be something I was not. It was a lie.

And that they may recover themselves out of the snare of the devil, who are taken captive by him at his will. -2 Timothy 2:25-26

My thoughts had to be taken captive and put under submission to God. I quit focusing on things that I thought showed my faith and began finding my errors and correcting them, especially foolishness, to stop worrying about how things look to others and focus on what the Lord expects of me, honesty, seeking forgiveness through repentance, charity, thinking on the things of others.

I would like to reconcile. I have reconciled with the Lord through repentance, faith, and study.  I want to be able to fellowship and study the Word with other believers. I might read slower, but I am choosing not to be embarrassed by that anymore. I know this only comes with the grace and mercy the Lord has shown me the last couple of months.  I have been sharing this with others, especially Ben. I want him to learn what I have learned recently about the Word of God and the character of God and about being charitable without expecting anything in return... I still have more to learn, but His Mercy makes me so grateful. Whatever it takes Lord! I remember Heather saying that she prayed that and I have been praying that for a while now. Whatever it takes for me, whatever it takes for Ben. Whatever it takes Lord!

Another event that really impacted me recently, our uncle, Paul, showed up at our door.  We hoped that we did the right thing by not answering the door. He went to Chris and Lorraine s place. Lorraine was kind enough to share that recording with me. Not only was I able to discern only a worldly repentance, and see the pretentious excuse he made to be on the property, but the Holy Spirit convicted me that I sound just like that: vague and wishy-washy! I was so sad! Not just for my own sin, but also for Paul, who will soon be in hell if he is not given repentance from the Lord! The pain in my heart was so hard to bear! Praise the Lord, He has helped me to think through things much more clearly and I am so grateful for the lessons on vanity, pretentiousness, and repentance He has given me through this situation. Now as situations arise in my home or in my professional life, I am able to stop and think about how the Lord would want me to answer a matter instead of spewing out a vain answer to please people.

I know that the Church cannot allow me back in without seeing my conversations. I have been trying to use the forum more and I will do what I can. I am struggling with my eye sight. I do much of my studying in Braille to save the strain on my eyes. Things take me longer, especially in situations like this forum. If the post is long and I cannot get my screen reader to work, then it can take me extra time gain understanding to respond. I will share what I have been learning though. I can do that.
We have been doing an in-depth study of Ecclesiastes. It is amazing to me just how much of what I was doing was vanity and vexing to my spirit. I was so focused on these vain things that I missed the things I should have been concentrating on. Like Matthew 6:1-
“Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: [because this is vanity] otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.”

I am really understanding now how it is not bad say good things, but if I say things just to please people, how am I being charitable? Those words are not serving a good purpose in my life or the life of the person to whom I am speaking, how can I expect the Lord to bless things in my life or show me my sin so I can be corrected? There is a shift from worrying about what other people tell me and more of looking for what the Lord tells me in His Word for what I should do, say. . . What a difference!! I no longer struggle for what I think I should say, but think about what the Lord wants me to say and do. I can trust God for my responses and just keep working and studying in the meantime.

I still mess up, but not the continuous sinful vanity like before. I am so glad the Lord is being patient with me and showing me mercy. It is humbling and that is a blessing too. It is a very different way of life.

Thank you for reading my “new” introduction. I know I was a little long winded, but I wanted to try to cover what has been happening.

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