CLE Forum
General Category => Introduce Yourself => Topic started by: Rowan M. on June 15, 2021, 10:36:08 AM
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Hello to everyone, G'Day to members from Down Under (both sides of the Tasman) and Kia Ora to my fellow-Kiwis here. Fair warning: long post ahead. In fact, it's so long that I've had to split it into two parts.
I guess I'll start this introduction with some general remarks, then get into my testimony proper. So, I am 49 years old and live in Wellington, New Zealand. My avatar picture is a photo of Oriental Bay in Wellington that I took on my phone when walking there one day. I am by no means a professional photographer, but I do like taking snaps on my phone when out sometimes. By profession, I am a freelance translator, and I greatly enjoy languages. My working languages are German, French and Spanish, but I am also studying an assortment of other languages on a site called Duolingo. I enjoy writing and have kept a diary for more than 30 years. A few months ago, I also started a Christian blog, which you can read here if you like: https://isaiah4212.blogspot.com/ (https://isaiah4212.blogspot.com/). I am single and shamefully, still live with my parents. I have a number of collections, some large and some small. It is fair to say that covetousness has been one of the besetting sins of my life. Some other besetting sins that have characterised too much of my existence on this earth have included pride, lasciviousness and slothfulness.
So that covers the basics, I think. Now to dive deeper. The first thing to say is that I was raised in a Christian home. A more accurate description of my home environment would be ostensibly Christian. It was actually very worldly. Something I came to realise quite a while ago is that neither of my parents are born again. My father could probably best be described as an agnostic nowadays. However, during my childhood he made some sort of Christian profession. But he has long since dropped that pretence. My mother still identifies as Christian, but she is a false convert if ever there was one. Her "conversion" occurred at a Billy Graham crusade held at Athletic Park (which used to be Wellington's main stadium; it was demolished some years ago) in February 1959. She was 17 at the time. In her late teens and 20s, she was quite involved in Youth for Christ (which I think was set up by Billy Graham, or one of his organisations). She attended a Methodist church, but some of her closest friends were Pentecostals, and as a result of this, the faith that she developed was a rather curious Methodist/Pentecostal hybrid.
My father was born and bred in Wellington, as I have been. His mother was a Christian Scientist, but thankfully that had no real influence on him. His father was a Rosicrucian, but I don't think that was a very big part of his life. Still, not ideal spiritual influences. My mother on the other hand was born in Inverness during the Second World War. However, her parents were from the Shetland Islands, and they flew back there with her when she was six months old. One of her earliest and most vivid memories is being out in a garden with her grandmother (not sure if it was the paternal or maternal one) when German planes came overhead and shot at them. She remembers her grandmother hurrying back into the house with her while bullets thudded into the ground all around them. By the grace and mercy of God, neither she nor her grandmother were hurt that day. It really says something about those Nazis though, that they would shoot at an elderly woman and a three-year-old girl. As a result of that early memory, my mother has had a lifelong hatred of guns. I wasn't even allowed to have a toy gun growing up. While I don't share my mother's hatred of guns, and think the Second Amendment is a definite good thing, I'm not really into them either. Wouldn't know a Colt from a Smith & Wesson, for example. But that's by the by.
My mother came to New Zealand with her parents and younger brother when she was ten years old. It being the early 1950s, they came on a ship. My mother's younger brother was only three at the time. He and my mother are estranged nowadays. He's an atheist. Although he had four children who are my first cousins, I have never really known them. As my mother and her brother grew up, he was very spoiled, which soured relations between them. When she "converted" at that Billy Graham crusade, the hostility on his part increased. After my maternal grandparents died, there were all sorts of dramas between my mother and her brother over the will of my grandmother in particular, but as Paul would say, I spare you. My dad meanwhile also has a brother (two years older than him). He doesn't have a great deal to do with him, but there is a little more cordiality between them. My dad's brother cheated on his first wife with the woman who is now his second wife. The latter is not a particularly nice person and may actually be a witch. She is certainly into witchcraft. In fact, many years ago she threatened to put a hex on my mother! She may have been joking, but my mother was not amused and my dad reckons she was serious. So that hasn't exactly been good for the fraternal relationship on my dad's side.
The Reserve Bank of New Zealand is a place of some significance to me. In the 1960s, both my parents worked there, and this is where they met. When my father started working at the Bank, he was still a university student and living at home. My mother is 5 1/2 years older than him, but she was also living at home (although she had done a bit of flatting for a couple of years, i.e. living in apartments). My mother has said that the Lord told her she was going to marry my dad. (I'm not sure what spirit spoke to her, but I am quite certain it was not the God of the Bible. At the time, my dad was not a believer, so why would God tell my mother to be unequally yoked? He did have some sort of "conversion" though, but I have the cynical suspicion that he only professed Christianity so he could marry my mother.) In 1970, they married in the Methodist church my mother attended. On Valentine's Day and all. Apparently, they didn't actually realise it was Valentine's Day until later. They wanted to get married on a Saturday in February, and Valentine's Day happened to fall on a Saturday in 1970. Now, I realise that Valentine's Day is really quite a pagan thing (I have read the article on this site about it, and have also read elsewhere about its pagan origins), but the one upside of them marrying on that day is that it made their wedding anniversary easy to remember! They moved into a house they had bought before getting married (although they did not consummate their relationship until after the wedding - nowadays, my dad supports and even advocates living with someone before marriage, i.e. the sin of fornication, but back then he went along with my mother's wishes). I made my entry into the world two years later. After marriage, my mother left the Reserve Bank, but my father continued to work there until 1990, when he was made redundant due to restructuring. (He soon found other work in the financial sector, but it was a bit of a shock to the system at the time.) I have many memories of visiting the Bank. By a rather strange twist of fate, the place where my dad ended up working moved its offices into the Reserve Bank building for a while! By the time he retired in 2011 however, it had shifted premises again.
Earlier I shared that one of my mother's earliest childhood memories was a pretty unpleasant one (being shot at by the Luftwaffe during the Second World War). Well, one of my own earliest memories is not too nice either. Sitting in my high-chair one day and drinking a cup of milk, I knocked it over and spilled it everywhere. It wasn't deliberate, but just the natural clumsiness little kids have. My mother cleaned up the mess, of course, and also did something else: she hit me. I have a vivid memory of her slapping my face and left arm. I also remember it happening in "waves" - she would retreat into the kitchen to do some work, then advance towards me and hit me again while yelling something. This happened maybe four or five times. I also have other memories, mainly from the first ten years of my life, of being screamed at, slapped in the face and spanked with my pants down, usually in sessions lasting about 20 minutes. Many of these punishments were for no obvious reason. On at least one occasion, my mother clearly manufactured a reason to hit me. She told me to "stop doing that" with my mouth, but never specified what "that" was. I genuinely had no clue what she was on about. After repeating this command to my increasing bewilderment, she then took my pants down and spanked me for my "disobedience". At least I was spared a more prolonged session of screaming and slaps that time.
These actions by my mother produced evil fruit. This is not what chastening should do. The chastening of the Lord, or of godly parents, should produce peaceable fruit of righteousness (Hebrews 12:11). However, the chastening of my mother produced great anger and resentment within me. It also produced another very wicked fruit: a spanking fetish. (I have read the forum rules, and I don't want to violate them, especially in my first post, or any other post for that matter. But this has been a particularly significant area of sin in my life, so I feel I have to say something about it. I want to be open and transparent while hopefully not being inappropriate. But I certainly won't be offended if Christopher, or Timothy, or Jeanne, or whoever else moderates this forum, decides to edit this paragraph.) The fetish began when I was about 10 or 11. It may have even started earlier, actually. I won't go into any gory details about it, but I hope it's safe enough to say this much: I have never actually indulged the fetish physically, purely due to a lack of opportunity (although I want to stress that I grieve over this as much as any other sin now and no longer want anything to do with it). It has all been in the imagination. I started having very vivid fantasies at that young age and it went from there. But I certainly fed my imagination in adult years by visiting various Web sites, forums and even buying online magazines (which I have subsequently deleted). Spanking fetishes come in quite a wide variety. Some people like giving them, others like receiving them, still others enjoy both. Then you get people who enjoy certain types of implements, and so on. My own specific "thing" revolved around the receiving aspect, and the "giver" had to be a woman. It didn't matter who the "receiver" was (it could be me, or someone I was reading about), just as long as a woman was dishing it out. (That's about the most G-rated way I can express it.) I also used to have fantasies of being dominated by a woman or women - all quite demonic, looking back on it. These wicked fantasies had two root causes. The first was what my mother did to me in childhood. (She has also been very domineering towards my dad over the years, so that was another factor.) The second was the corruption of my own flesh and heart. Notwithstanding what my mother did, I can't blame her for my own evil choices. While the sins of others against us can certainly predispose us to certain behaviours, we still make the choice to indulge them. In the eyes of God, my mother is responsible for her own evil choices, and I am responsible for mine. Still, there is something of a correlation between her sins and mine.
Before I move on, I need to point out that due to what my mother did, and also due to my own sins of the mind in this area, I have done a Jacob, as it were, and had something of a wrestling match with God over spanking and child discipline generally. How to reconcile what the Scriptures say with what my mother put me through and the perversion that resulted? Well, with God's gracious help, I have come to these conclusions. Firstly, it helps to study not only the usual verses in Proverbs, but all Biblical passages about God's chastening. Godly chastening of children should reflect God's chastening of us. It should certainly be somewhat unpleasant, but it should also be just. Matthew 5:22 tells us not to be angry without a cause, and this should apply to parents' dealings with children. The purpose of corporal punishment (and for that matter, rebuke and reproof) should be to correct wrong behaviour. It should teach the child that sinful behaviour has unpleasant consequences. And as I said above, it should yield good fruit in terms of repentance and improved behaviour. My mother, however, often got angry without a cause and punished me unjustly. Furthermore, her punishments were really about domination and control, not discipline. A second conclusion that I have reached is that spanking a child with their pants down is wicked. I'd even go so far as to say it's downright satanic. For one thing, the Bible never commands that to be done (beating with the rod, yes, taking pants down, no). Other passages in the Bible command modesty. God wants us to train our children to be modest, among other things. Taking their pants down to punish them flies in the face of that. Then there is the fruit that it bore in my own life, as described above. I have also read things by other people that strongly indicate a close correlation between spanking a child with their pants down and the subsequent development of sexual fetishes. They also indicate, in some instances, a fetish on the part of the parent. (Some of those people may have been passing off fantasies as true stories, but enough of them seemed credible to make me think there's something in it - in any case, some of the accounts I read were on anti-spanking sites, where there would be less motivation to make things up for titillation.) Then too, there is the fact that all sites devoted to adult spanking themes have one common denominator: exposed buttocks. (As above, I'll understand if this is edited out; however, in order to show this work of darkness for what it is, I feel this point is particularly important.) Whatever else they might do differently, that is the one thing they all do the same. It is the absolute centrepiece around which all other aspects of the fetish revolve. I really can't stress that enough.
A third conclusion that I have reached is that child discipline is a bit like music, books or whatever in that there is a godly kind, and then also an ungodly kind. Godly discipline is just, moderate and yields good fruit in a child's life. Its express purpose is to correct sinful behaviour and bring about repentance. Another positive outcome of godly discipline is that it teaches a child good boundaries. Ungodly discipline on the other hand is frequently unjust, excessive and produces evil fruit in a child. Wrongful punishment is almost as bad as leaving a child to himself. In both cases, the child develops either poor boundaries or none at all. It is not always associated with sexual perversion, but that can be a factor sometimes, especially when a child's modesty is violated, as mine repeatedly was. It is NEVER a factor in godly discipline though. A fourth and final conclusion is that an implement should be used. The KJV advocates a "rod". It never speaks of striking with the hand. Only modern versions use the word "spanking". If you look up the word "spank" in a dictionary, it means strike with an open hand. No reference to an implement. Why would God want an implement to be used? Well IMO, because it makes more impact through clothing. The hand alone doesn't sting much through clothing. Moreover, when a hand is placed on the buttocks, there is an intimacy associated with that, even if said hand is hitting them. That's why some people like to express affection with a playful smack on the rear end. An implement is not intimate like that. So use of an implement through clothing is, in my view, how God wants corporal punishment to be done, when it has to be done.
But for all her physical and emotional abuse, my mother also spoiled me. This was the flip side of growing up with her. I was coddled, pampered and extremely sheltered. There were good aspects to this. I never got involved in drinking or fornication, or whatever else my schoolmates were into. When they were out partying, I was home studying or watching TV with my parents. Another good thing my mother did was warn me about the occult, although sometimes, she got a bit over-zealous in that area. But there was plenty of evil fruit as well. For one thing, while my mother often punished me unjustly, she also let me get away with things that I actually should have been punished for! You can imagine the moral confusion that created in me. There were actually times when I was justly punished, usually by my dad, or a grandparent, or a teacher, so I didn't get away with every wicked thing I did as a child. I give sincere thanks to God for that now. There were also a few occasions when even my mother punished me justly, but far more times when she did it unjustly. Another evil fruit of her pampering was that I learned to be slothful. I never had to do any chores. Everything was done for me. So I never learned how to take responsibility for anything. I was never taught. So I was never trained for life in the adult world. Instead, I was trained to be a perpetual child. Such practical skills as I managed to acquire while growing up, I basically taught myself. However, when I went to university, I did learn to drive and succeeded in getting a full licence. But I never got a car of my own, and I eventually let my driving slip (I am only just starting to pick it up again now).
We have never been much of a church-going family. For a while during the 1970s, we attended a Baptist church (Tawa Baptist, in case any New Zealand members are familiar with it). Why it was a Baptist church and not a Methodist one, I don't know - maybe it was the most popular church in town or something. Eventually however, my parents stopped attending because they did not want to be baptised. (Very sensible given that they're not actually saved.) Since then, I don't think they have ever gone to another church (other than for weddings and funerals, of course). I myself have only been to one other church, which was a Salvation Army one in Miramar (aka "Wellywood") for a couple of years in the mid-1990s. My main motivation for joining that church was that it had a lot of young people, and I was in my early 20s at the time, so wanted to socialise with other Christian young people. I wasn't that worried about the things you should worry about as a Christian, such as sound doctrine or the fruits of the Spirit. Developing a social life was all that mattered to me then. I ended up drifting away from that church because I got discouraged by how worldly it was. Quite ironic actually, as I was very worldly myself! But somehow I understood that Christians shouldn't be as worldly as what the people in that church were. (To cite one example: we watched The Addams Family Movie during one of the youth group get-togethers.)
Until the year 2000, my brand of Christianity was what I now understand to be New Evangelicalism. It was a very worldly, "feel-good" kind of Christianity. In 1981, for my ninth birthday, my mother gave me my first Bible. It was a Good News Bible, endorsed by Billy Graham of course. I now know that of all the modern translations, or new-age versions as Christopher calls them, this is one of the worst. The chief translator of the Good News Bible, aka Today's English version, Robert Bratcher, denied the divinity of Christ. The Good News Bible does something that most of the other new-age versions don't: it removes the blood of Christ almost entirely. The word "blood" is usually replaced by the word "death" in the GNB. So it is a particularly satanic version, really. But this was the Bible of my childhood, teen years and 20s.
Then in 1982, Radio Rhema opened full-time in Wellington. (It had begun in Christchurch four years earlier.) I actually attended the official opening ceremony. Rhema had a very significant effect in my life. It exposed me to all kinds of false teaching, including the Pentecostal heresies of Derek Prince and the "Christian" psychology of Dr James Dobson. It also introduced me to CCM. Thanks to Radio Rhema, I became intimately acquainted with many of CCM's big names, including Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith, Carman, First Call, the Second Chapter of Acts and others besides. (Which Way the Wind Blows was one of my all-time favourite CCM songs, or songs of any genre, and even now, I catch myself humming the odd bar of it.) A Scripture Union Bookshop (which later became Manna Books, now defunct) was the source for a number of tapes and later CDs. I discovered DC Talk through a tape I bought at this bookshop (this was their early stuff when they did hip-hop, so they weren't yet featured on Rhema). I also ordered things directly from Radio Rhema sometimes. Rhema also introduced me to some books, including The Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan and the Sugar Creek Gang series by Paul Hutchens (he was a Quaker and believed in revivals, so not very spiritually sound).
Between 1982 and 1984, we went to live in the United States for two years. My dad was seconded to the International Monetary Fund in Washington, DC. He worked in a section representing the Australia and Pacific region, or something, serving as an Alternate Executive Director. So that's why we went there. In many ways, it was an exciting time. I got to experience a decent amount of air travel, life in another country, discovery of another culture and so on. I visited most of the famous places in Washington (never did a tour of the White House, though). Also visited a number of Civil War sites, including Manassas and Gettysburg. Other things I remember from my time in the States include snow, squirrels and raccoons, squillions of TV channels (we only had two in NZ in those years), a charming show called Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, American football and baseball, and the daily Pledge of Allegiance ritual at my elementary school (which I did not participate in, since I wasn't an American citizen; still stood respectfully though and learned it by heart through hearing everyone else recite it). One thing America had that New Zealand didn't (at that time) was a Christian television channel! However, this channel was not all that godly, really. It had secular TV programmes like Mister Ed. The Christian programmes it featured were things like The 700 Club and PTL with Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. There were also some children's programmes. I remember one called Gospel Bill. It was a puppet thing, mostly. Nowadays NZ does have a Christian channel, called Shine TV (run by the same company that owns Radio Rhema), which is pretty ghastly in view of how much worldliness and corrupt doctrine there is on it. There was a radio station in America we used to listen to called WCTN, which was based in Cabin John, Maryland. (We lived in Bethesda, just northwest of DC.) A show I remember from that was Haven of Rest, and there was also a talkback hosted by Pastor Richard Kline of the Halpine Baptist Church. I think my mother rang him and got on air a couple of times, but we never went to that church.
During my time in America, my parents and I also visited Canada, France and the UK, including the Shetland Islands, where we met many of my mother's relatives. But in late 1984, we returned to New Zealand and moved from our old house in Linden to one in Miramar, near Wellington Airport. My parents and I still live in that same house to this day. In the second half of the 1980s, I attended a private boys' Presbyterian school near my home. It was technically a Christian school, but it was no more Christian in reality than my upbringing. However, through the various assemblies at that school, I did learn a number of classic hymns. Did reasonably well academically and won some prizes, although I lost a friendship during my last year at school due to the fact that we both coveted the history prize and both got very prideful in our pursuit of it. In the end, I won that particular prize, but it was a bit of a hollow victory, really (and now I feel great disgust at my pridefulness back then). In subsequent years, that former friend came out as gay and is now "married" to another man. However, there was nothing improper about the friendship we had, and as far as I know, he didn't fancy me. But perhaps it's just as well that the friendship foundered. All the same, the way it happened is a shame.
Through the first half of the 1990s, I attended Victoria University (with the way my mother was, enrolling at any other university and thereby - gasp! - living away from home was not an option). Having gone to a boys' secondary school and otherwise led an extremely sheltered existence, I now found myself suddenly surrounded by specimens of this mysterious creature called the Young Woman. I developed crushes, most of which were unrequited (not least because, every time I formed a crush, I tended to behave like a complete doofus). I do recall one young lady getting a crush on me, and while that was nice in a way, there was something about her that made me uneasy, so I rebuffed her. In my second year, a strong enough mutual interest developed with a girl in my Linguistics class that we actually had a couple of "dates" - to wit, lunch together one time, and afternoon tea another time. But she was a Seventh-Day Adventist, and her father was about as domineering towards her as my mother was to me. In the end, her father pretty much broke us up. (Funnily enough, he featured on the Fair Go programme a couple of times a few years later.) But I think God had a hand in that, because to have got more deeply involved with her and maybe become a Seventh-Day Adventist would have been a major disaster. Also at Vic, I attended Christian Union meetings and went to some CU social events - all very spiritually shallow, quite honestly. During my Honours year (I majored in French), I became somewhat friendly with a fellow-student who was about eight or nine years my senior. We also had a couple of "dates", including watching a French movie together, and she often rang me up at nights (ostensibly so we could practise our French). But in the end, we were never really more than friends. Then she actually left for France one day, and I never saw her again. She wasn't a Christian though, so again, God was watching over all of that. As I said earlier, I learned to drive at this time. However, even after getting my full licence, I almost never drove on my own. One or both of my parents would usually be with me.
After completing my Honours degree, I studied German and Spanish for a couple of years. During this period, I began to explore a career I was interested in: translation. In 1997, I began a Master's degree in French. I didn't really want to do this (which is why I had put it off), but my mother wanted it. At the same time, I began to start getting translation work on a regular basis with a company in town. Working with this company meant regular access to the Internet for the first time (we didn't yet have it at home - my mother wasn't keen). It also meant that I discovered online pornography. I got quite a lot of work from this company for a while, and spent so much time with them that I eventually gave up on the Master's degree (the final straw was a blazing row with my mother - I am ashamed to say that I quit the MA in part to get back at her, but I had completely lost interest in it by then anyway). However, my little porn habit then got found out. I thought I was done for, but apart from a stern reprimand, I actually continued getting jobs at that company for a while longer. (I am pretty sure that one or two other people in that company, maybe even quite senior people, might have had secret porn habits of their own. Not that it justifies my sin in that area.) Eventually however, I got kind of "frozen out". This led to me starting a freelance translation business at home. Which meant I could finally get the Internet - and resume indulging in porn. I mostly tended to favour stories and pictures. Wasn't so much into videos, although I did watch some. While a lot of the porn involved the fetish I talked about above, I also had other areas of interest. Suffice it to say, my mind was quite the cesspit of filth. And like the foolish young man in Proverbs 7, who went to the street where the adulterous woman lived, I sought this stuff out. I wasn't a victim the way that say, a child accidentally discovering a stash of adult magazines might be. I was expressly after material that catered to what was already going on in my imagination. So the evil was present in my heart, and I was looking to feed it.
It took a while for my new freelance career to get off the ground, so during this time, I tried some other part-time work. That included a six-month stint in an antiques shop. Unfortunately, the owner of that shop was a male version of my mother, and the quintessential workplace bully. In early 2000, that job came to an acrimonious end. I was very bitter about it for a long time. It's not that I thought I had long-term prospects in that shop, or that type of work generally. It was that he was so nasty, and completely unrepentant about it, and also the similarity of his behaviour to my mother's was decidedly triggering. However, I sinned too, for instance by giving him a piece of my mind by e-mail, and I have discovered that a key to healing from situations like this is to confess your own sins to God. Then trust Him that He will deal with the other party in His time and in His way. It was quite a long time before I did that, however. In the meantime, I bore quite the grudge. I have not outright hated too many people in my life, but I really hated that guy. But a major reason for the hate was that I concentrated on his sins and overlooked my own. That was based on pride in my heart as well. There was something of an "I'm better than him, he's beneath my contempt for what he did" mentality. However, what I missed was that BOTH of us sinned against God. In our different ways, we were equally guilty before Him. So in the eyes of God, I wasn't better than that bullying boss at all. Finally realising that made a world of difference.
Not long after the antiques shop job ended, I found myself in another situation where the wife of an online friend developed a "more than casual" interest in me. It got to the point where she made a pass at me (from memory, I think she propositioned me for phone sex). Now despite the fact that I was lonely, down in the dumps and had a woman throwing herself at me for the first time, a dominant type of woman at that, and despite the fact that I was wickedly indulging in pornography (adultery in the heart), I still had enough respect for the Seventh Commandment to decline her. Also, there is another rule that we have in New Zealand: "Don't cut your mate's lunch". In other words, don't have an affair with your friend's wife. Not to mention that she just plain creeped me out. However, this woman was like Potiphar's wife. She wouldn't take No for an answer. She kept bugging me. I remember reading the story of Joseph and Potiphar's wife at that time (albeit in the Good News Bible). The similarities to my situation were amazing. I also read other relevant passages in Proverbs. One verse that particularly stuck out to me was Proverbs 5:8. In the Good News Bible, it went something like, "Keep away from such a woman! Don't even go near her door!" Of course, in the King James Version, the verse states, Remove thy way far from her, and come not nigh the door of her house. It was the "Keep away/Remove thy way" part that really stood out. I felt that God was indicating to me to cut ties with her. However, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, or the feelings of my friend. But then her grandmother died, and she went away for a few days to attend the funeral. During that time, I confided in another friend, who urged me to break contact. This friend also told me that there would never be a good time to do it (when I expressed hesitation at ending the friendship during a time of bereavement). So with some "help" from my mother, I wrote a letter and ended the friendship with both the woman and her husband. But remember, she was of the same spirit as Potiphar's wife. So she harassed me by e-mail for a couple of months. What she did amounted to stalking. It was a very stressful time. However, she gave up when I tricked her into thinking I was leaving the country for a while. (I should have trusted God to deal with the situation His way, but in my pride, I decided to solve it myself. It worked, remarkably enough, but that doesn't make my deception right.)
Towards the end of 2000, I underwent what I call my Great Theology Shift. This doesn't mean that I got saved (because I am about as sure as I can be that I was a false convert then), just that I broke away from the New Evangelical philosophy that up until then was the only "Christianity" I had ever known. It happened on this wise: one night, while reading the "Letters to the Editor" section in The Evening Post (which used to be Wellington's evening newspaper), I came across a letter by a man named Russ Watt, mocking Christians who were opposed to this popular new series of books about a boy wizard named Harry Potter (you might have heard of him). He said they were "pathetic", which triggered me as I had been called that by my bullying boss. He found it ridiculous that Christians should be getting so wound up over works of fiction. But he also made reference to the Crusades as "evidence" of Christian hypocrisy. So I fired off a letter to the editor by e-mail, and it was published (in slightly abridged form) in The Evening Post of 3 November 2000. (My memory is not THAT good - I recorded all this in my diary at the time.) I asked Mr Watt whether everyone who had the courage to stand for their convictions was "pathetic". I then went on to say that while the Harry Potter books were fictional, the witchcraft they promoted was real and very dangerous. I made reference to Deuteronomy 18:9-13. Finally, I said that the Crusades were carried out by the Roman Catholic Church, and that the Catholic Church was not Christian. I then added, "and many Protestant Christians will tell you that it is Christ, and not the Pope, who is the true head of the Christian Church". Moreover, I pointed out that the worship of Mary violated the First and Second Commandments. Although I made some good points, my letter evinced quite a haughty spirit. You may wonder how I came to have such a strong anti-Catholic position - unusual for a New Evangelical. Well for all my worldliness and evil ways, I did study that Good News Bible of mine a bit. And as vile a translation as it is, it still contained some truth. Enough truth, in fact, to make me see some things wrong with Catholic doctrine. Also, one night in the early 1990s, a Radio Rhema talkback featured a Catholic priest as a guest. When I compared the things he said with what my GNB said, I knew there was something seriously wrong. For instance, I remember him declaring that Mary was still alive. And he said other stuff about Mary that I just knew to be un-Biblical. The more I learned about Catholicism, the more I knew that it was very bad news.
Well of course, a Catholic responded to my letter. I'm sure others did as well, but a letter by one Kevin Boyd appeared in the 15 November 2000 edition of The Evening Post. Here is how I reported the letter in my 2000 diary the following day: Well, a guy called Kevin Boyd said I “obviously didn’t know much” about Catholicism. He alleged there was no such doctrine as Marian worship (he’d better read the 1994 Catechism!) and claimed Catholics only worship God (the Pope worships Mary, so there goes that idea). He also said Christ is the Head of the Church, but that the Pope is His representative on Earth (and where in the Bible does it say that?). Mr Boyd did agree with me that witchcraft is real, dangerous and is to be avoided at all costs. But he concluded by saying he looked forward to the day when all Christians would worship in unity, without “fostering prejudice”. That’s ecumenism – all denominations uniting under the Pope.
Earlier in the same entry, I made this remark: I am quite convinced that [...] Catholicism promotes a false and un-Biblical religion which masquerades as “Christian”.
After reading Mr Boyd's letter, I paid a visit to Chick Publications, which I had discovered about a week earlier while researching Catholicism. My first diary entry about this site shows that I was quite enamoured with it:
Spent much of the afternoon and evening at Chick.com, a Web site I first discovered about a week or so ago. It’s the Web site of Chick Publications, run by one Jack T. Chick. This is a really awesome evangelical Christian organisation. Chick uses tracts in comic book form to present the Good News of Jesus Christ to people. Every single tract explains how you can be saved. And apparently, many people have been won to Jesus through Chick tracts.
But Chick tracts also expose the dangers of the occult and false religions such as Islam, Buddhism, Mormonism, the Jehovah’s Witnesses and Roman Catholicism. Yes, I said Roman Catholicism. I have always felt the teachings of Catholicism to be contrary to the Bible. There is much info on Chick’s site confirming this. Indeed, he claims that the Roman Catholic Church is nothing less than the “whore of Babylon” spoken of in Revelation 17. But Chick does not preach hatred of Catholics, only the falsehoods of the R.C. Church. He says we must not “throw rocks” at Catholics, but do all we can to win them to Christ. But that includes exposing the false doctrines of Catholicism.
Didn’t end up having a very productive day, but no matter. I learnt some mighty stuff!
In more recent times, I have learned that Jack Chick was inspired to start his ministry by the preaching of Charles Finney. He believed Finney was a man mightily used of God. That is the very root of Chick Publications. I actually corresponded about this with Chris four months ago. The fact remains however that Chick Publications played a key role in my Great Theology Shift. However, on 17 November 2000, I found another site (which I think is still around) that first alerted me to the Bible version issue: Tonight, I found another excellent Christian site, “Christian News and Views”. Many very interesting articles here. One challenged the authenticity of modern Bible translations, saying they corrupt the true Word of God. It claimed the Good News Bible – the version I use – is one of the worst! A sobering thought.
Other articles on this site warn of how the likes of Billy Graham and Dr James Dobson have fallen away from the truth of the Gospel and into error. Again, sobering stuff.
Despite that warning about Dr Dobson, my diary shows that I soon went on to read his book, Love Must Be Tough. But December 2000 continued to bring forth some pretty interesting developments. For one thing, my stalker wrote me a "one-off" e-mail on the 12th. (It turned out to actually be the last thing she wrote to me.) My initial reaction to that message included quotes from the King James Bible rather than the Good News Bible. On the face of it, the e-mail seemed pretty innocuous, a “catch-up” message from “an old friend”. But I can read the subtext, the message which is not verbalised, but which the history of my past experience with [the stalker] writes in glaring neon lights. The subtext of the e-mail goes something like this: “I’m still here. I haven’t forgotten about you. You might think you’ve escaped me, but I will recapture you and have my way with you yet!” OH, NO YOU WON’T! I will NEVER surrender! “The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower. I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies.” Psalm 18:2-3 (KJV) I will no longer trust in my own strength or wisdom, but will trust in the Lord to deliver me from [the stalker]. She’s got no chance against the Sword of the Spirit!
Then came this on the 14th: Visited Demonbuster.com and read a few articles on there. One which really caught my attention was one about the spirit of Jezebel. Some of the characteristics of this spirit include control, domination, manipulation, sexual impurity, intimidation and much more besides. It was almost like a profile of [the stalker]. “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” Ephesians 6:12 (KJV) My battle is not really with [the stalker], but against Satan and his kingdom, including the spirit of Jezebel which I believe may be present in [the stalker].
But to overcome the spirit of Jezebel, I have some sins of my own that I need to repent of. In particular, lying and cowardice. In lying to [the stalker] (or anyone, for that matter), I am trying to control the situation, and trusting in my own wisdom and abilities, rather than putting my faith in God, the Spirit of Truth. Also, by lying, I am giving into fear. But “God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”. 2 Timothy 1:7 (KJV) “And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell.” Matthew 10:28 (KJV) Lies and fear are not of God, therefore I must repent of these and ask God’s forgiveness, so that He will cleanse me and I can serve Him.
I'm not sure whether Demonbuster.com still exists, but nowadays I would NOT recommend that site. It is full of Pentecostal weirdness. But what I find interesting there is the conviction I was clearly feeling. I don't reckon I was saved, but God was clearly doing something in my heart. I then found a site called Dial-the-Truth Ministries, run by Terry Watkins. That site still exists, although it's not updated much nowadays. On 18 December 2000, I got my Good News Bible and started comparing it to the King James Version. Here is what I discovered: Did some Bible study, but this was a bit different to the usual. Last night I’d printed out an exposé of the New King James Bible and its many “retranslations” (or mistranslations) of what is in the King James Bible, or Authorised Version. Investigated verses in my Good News Bible (the so-called “Today’s English Version”), and found that almost all of them contained considerable alterations of what is in the Authorised Version. Some verses were so altered that they had an entirely different meaning! I’ll be doing more research tomorrow, but so far it’s been pretty grim.
Then the NEXT day, I shared some discoveries about CCM: [W]ent to the Dial-the-Truth Ministries Web site (www.av1611.org) and continued reading an exposé by Terry Watkins (the same guy who wrote about the New King James Bible) on rock music. He shows pretty conclusively that rock music, including so-called “Christian rock”, is of the Devil. The Bible says true Christian music should glorify God and be sung to Him. “Christian rock” stars say they use rock as a way to “reach the lost”, but 1 Corinthians 1:21 shows that it is preaching, not music, which God intends for reaching the unsaved. What’s more, music should emphasise melody, but rock emphasises rhythm, the beat. The beat of rock and roll is based largely on the drumbeats of voodoo and other dark pagan religions. Rock stars like Little Richard admit as much!
What was really sobering is just how un-Christian much of the work of so-called Christian artists like DC Talk, Amy Grant, Michael W. Smith and others is. The evidence is pretty clear, and I must admit, the likes of Grant and DC Talk seem to get progressively less Christian with each album they put out. But maybe that’s because their music, with its rock beats, has had a Satanic influence from the outset! I must say, I really felt (and continue to feel) challenged by the Lord about the type of music I listen to.
My entry for 20 December 2000 demonstrates some real conviction: Went to the Dial-the-Truth Ministries Web site and read lots of interesting articles, mainly about the King James Bible vs. “modern” Bible translations and more about the evils of rock music, including its dark origins. A couple of articles proved pretty conclusively that “Christian” rock is like “Christian” pornography or “Christian” dope-smoking. In other words, it’s an oxymoron. Light and darkness cannot have fellowship.
My own liking of pop music (which is really “soft rock”) derives from the fact that it makes me “feel good”. In other words, it appeals to my flesh, to my carnal instincts. “Christian” pop or rock does exactly the same thing, but I’ve tended to think it was “OK” to listen to Amy Grant, DC Talk or whoever because they were “Christian”. But if I’m really honest, I listen to these singers or bands for the same reason I have listened to secular singers or bands – because the music makes me “feel good”. It doesn’t glorify God or testify to the work of Jesus Christ, unlike those “old-fashioned”, “boring” hymns. “Christian” rock does exactly the same thing secular rock does – glorifies man and awakens carnal instincts! As Winnie-the-Pooh might say, I have been Foolish and Deluded.
But wait, there's more from that entry, although this time it concerns the Rapture: Read more on the DTTM site, about rock music, creation vs. evolution and the end times. The DTTM people believe, like many Christian people, ministries and churches today, in the Rapture, where Christ will allegedly spirit His church away before the Tribulation. But on sites like Demonbuster.com and Open Bible Ministries (www.1335.com) to name but two, I have read that the “Rapture” theory was dreamed up by a Jesuit priest named Francesco Ribera, and didn’t start being seriously adopted by the Christian Church until the mid-19th Century! While there will certainly be a Second Coming of Christ, it will be with a great shout, not “sneaking” the Christians away from the Tribulation! The persecutions of the last days will be experienced by true Christians and be a supreme test of faith.
I have to say that I have never really believed in a pre-Tribulation Rapture. How can the Antichrist makes war with the saints if they've all been secretly raptured away beforehand? But as you can see there, I was kind of confused about it.
On the 22nd, I had more to say about the Bible version issue: Managed to conclude the study of the New King James Bible in light of my Good News Bible. The findings continued to be pretty grim, though there were a couple of passages in which the GNB version wasn’t as bad as the NKJV one! Still, the evidence is mounting that the Good News Bible is, well, bad news. Like the other modern translations, it is not based solely on the Textus Receptus of Antioch, but on corrupted Alexandrine manuscripts favoured by the Catholic Church, most notably the Vaticanus and Sinaiaticus. Moreover, I have learnt that its chief translator, Robert Bratcher, didn’t even believe in the deity of Christ! Small wonder that His deity is attacked in a number of passages in the Good News Bible. One of the worst examples is Philippians 2:6, which in the GNB reads: “He did not think that by force he should try to become equal with God”. It’s there in black and white. Jesus Christ did not have to “try to become equal with God”! He WAS and IS equal with God! He IS God! Christ is God manifest in the flesh! The King James rightly says: “He thought it not robbery to be equal with God”. The KJV is the only Bible in the English language based solely on the Textus Receptus.
The 24th was Christmas Eve, and I talked about Christmas a bit, and also a new site I found called Jesus-is-Lord.com. Unfortunately, that site had heresy on it the last time I looked (in particular, embracing a Saturday Sabbath and rejecting eternal security). But back in 2000, it had some quite good material on it, although the tone was always a bit questionable. But anyway, my thoughts about Christmas: It is becoming increasingly obvious to me, though I think I have already sensed it, that Christmas is not Christian at all, but is as pagan and godless as Halloween. As the article on Jesus-is-Lord.com correctly stated, you can paint an apple to make it look like an orange, but no matter how much like an orange it may look, it’s still an apple. Christmas (or more correctly, the “Christ Mass”) is a pagan apple painted as a Christian orange. The rituals of the Roman Saturnalia were adopted by the apostate and pagan Roman Catholic Church and given Christian names. 25 December was the birthday of the Roman sun-god, so the Catholic Church declared it the birthday of their “Son-God”. But the Jesus of Christmas is not the Jesus of the Holy Bible, as both the Bible and history show.
Then I had this to say on Christmas Day itself: So this is Christmas … a celebration, supposedly, of the birth of Jesus. But while I have no doubt of Jesus’ virgin birth (is you don’t believe in that, it’s a bit difficult to believe in His death on the cross and resurrection), I do now question the legitimacy of the “Christ Mass” as a celebration of His birth. The Bible never instructs us to celebrate Jesus’ birth. And if it did, you can be sure God would want it celebrated in an entirely different manner to the kind of pagan revelry, debauchery and idolatry that characterises the Christmas we have today. Historically, 25 December is the birthday of the Babylonian sun-god, Tammuz, son of Semiramis. Modern-day depictions of Mary and “baby Jesus” bear an uncanny resemblance to ancient pagan depictions of Semiramis and Tammuz. Like I said yesterday, the Roman Catholic Church, “Mother of Harlots”, has simply adopted the pagan rituals of Rome, which came from the pagan rituals of Babylon, and given them Christian names. What we are really celebrating, unbeknownst to most, is the birth of Tammuz, a Babylonian god. Jesus is not in Christmas. He never has been, and He never will be. But He is in my heart, and the blood He shed on the cross for my sins cleanses me from sin. Hallelujah!
I also got a bit fired up after watching the Queen's Christmas message (I currently still watch it, actually): The [Queen's message] was a clever little ad for the One World Church, as Her Majesty dared imply the Bible, the Koran and Buddhist, Hindu and Sikh sacred writings all had a “divine source”. What blasphemy to lump the Word of God with such Satanic trash! Shame on you, Ma’am!
On the 28th, I discovered another site that is still around today, Personal Freedom Outreach. This site has some good information about cults, although you have to pay to get full access to their "Quarterly Journal". Anyway, I reported on some stuff I read there: In my exploration of Christian Web sites, I came across another today called Personal Freedom Outreach. This site has the aim of exposing the false teachings of cults and wrong teaching within the Christian church. Some of the articles, such as about Benny Hinn, I have read elsewhere. (Or at least, I’ve read very similar ones on the topic.) There were also articles exposing false teachings by Joyce Meyer, Kenneth Copeland and other Charismatics. Another article on this site warned of the dangers of conspiracy theories, e.g. about the Illuminati and the New World Order etc. The basic point is that many of these theories are distracting Christians from their real purpose of sharing the gospel about Jesus Christ. I must say that many of the sites I’ve visited which harp on about the Illuminati and the coming One World Government say little if anything about how you can get saved. And that should be the main purpose for a Christian ministry: preach the gospel of Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice on the Cross.
That same night, I threw out two books I had bought a few years earlier, and then explained it the next day: A little more on why I decided to throw those books out last night. It really is most unusual of me to throw anything of mine out, especially books! Moreover, it had been quite a while since I bought the books and read them. The author, a Charismatic, had had these out-of-body experiences in 1976, during which Jesus allegedly appeared to her and took her on a sort of divine “guided tour” of first Hell, then Heaven, over 40 days and nights. I got the books out of curiosity as to what these places were like. But the Bible gives ample description of these two places, and if God hasn’t revealed something about them there, He has His reasons. What bugged me about the books is that out-of-body experiences are more in tune with New Age practice than Christian. Also, after the author supposedly went to Hell, she was in a terrible emotional state and had nightmares for days afterwards. Would Jesus really do that to one of His children? But more seriously, Jesus said rather a lot to her during these “trips” into eternity. Should we as Christians take Baxter’s books as something additional to the Bible, seeing as they supposedly have “new words” of Jesus? The Bible says if anyone tries to add to it or take away from it, they’ll be under a curse. Would Jesus go against His own word by giving “new revelations” to a housewife in Washington, D.C.? I really don’t think so. Reviews of Baxter’s books, which I read on the Personal Freedom Outreach and Let Us Reason Ministries Web sites, lined up her “revelations” against the Scriptures and proved pretty conclusively that they’re a load of bunkum, despite Baxter’s probably sincere desire to try and win people for Christ. And so I threw Baxter’s two books out last night and asked the Lord to forgive me for ever buying them in the first place.
The "Baxter" in question was Mary K. Baxter, and the books by her that I threw out were A Divine Revelation of Hell and its sequel, A Divine Revelation of Heaven. Definitely books that you should steer well clear of. Anyway, as you can see, my personal theology was undergoing a rather radical shift, although I was still under New Evangelical and Pentecostal influence somewhat. But there is some pretty good understanding being expressed there, and some conviction over certain sins. I didn't just swallow what I was reading blindly, either. For instance, I did my research on comparing the Good News Bible with the KJV, and realised that there was a considerable disparity between the two. As a translator myself, I understood something about semantics, and it was as clear as day that the GNB and KJV were saying some VERY different things in many places! However, there were still some things wrong with my doctrine, like when I wrote on 31 December 2000 that I had "recommitted my life to Jesus Christ after a period of backsliding". Hmm, no mention of repentance. And while I did use the word "repent" back then, I don't think I understood it correctly. And all this good understanding aside, there was still plenty of pride in my heart.
OK, I'm going to split my post here and then post the second part as a reply to it. Thank you for reading this far if you've managed to hang in there!
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Here now is the rest of my introduction:
Early in 2001, I spent some time contending with a woman who had some very strange beliefs that I think were influenced by British Israelism. Like me, she had a collecting hobby or several. (So did the man whose wife had acted like Potiphar's wife.) Reporting on this, I appear to once again show some quite correct understanding. From 25 January 2001: Re-read her e-mail to make sure I understood exactly what she does believe. There are some things I agree with her on, but there is no way I can endorse her view that Christ died exclusively for Israel or that the Bible is only for “Israelites”. Also, she states that Christ redeemed us from the Law, so only Israel can be saved because only Israel was given the Law. I don’t go along with that either. Christ redeemed us from sin, and the penalty the Law imposes for that. The Law serves simply to make us AWARE of our sin. It does not MAKE us sinners. Rather, it CONVICTS us of sin. And everyone has sinned, regardless of who they are or whether they know the Bible or not. Scientific laws like the Law of Gravity affect you whether you are aware of them or not. Same goes for God’s laws. In any case, if Jesus died only for a select group, He would be guilty of respecting persons, and that would make Him a sinner and not qualified to save anybody. But praise God, he died for EVERYONE, including me, and is the Saviour of ALL, because He never sinned.
I got busy with other things and so left off corresponding with that lady for a while. Moving on to March 2001, I had an encounter with a Mormon missionary. This was how I described it: After lunch, had a walk. A Mormon accosted me in Bentinck Avenue and tried to convert me. Unfazed (more or less), I countered with some preaching of my own. This guy walked all the day down Broadway with me, and we had a fairly lively debate. But eventually he let me tell him how to get saved. He then said that was wrong. I shot back that he was a heretic. Finally got rid of him at the Star Mart. Rest of walk pretty uneventful.
What I did not say there, although it may be somewhat evident from my diary entry anyway, is that I had a very haughty spirit during this encounter. In a recent entry on my blog, I described this encounter and my haughty spirit, and said that in my attitude, I was really no better than atheist scoffers who mock Christians. I had the same attitude that they have - namely, I was smart for believing the "right things", and he was an idiot for believing the stuff he did. There was certainly no instructing in meekness on my part that day! My pride was at its absolute worst. And this is the thing: for all my good understanding of many matters, would someone with a repentant heart behave the way I did that day? I trow not.
I wrote more about it the following day: Before I report on the cricket and other events of the day, let me share another Bible verse that came to my mind after I encountered that Mormon “missionary” yesterday. Galatians 5:1 says, “Stand fast in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.” Jesus Christ has made me free from the bondage of sin, and the bondage of carrying out religious rituals to try and get saved. The Mormon Church teaches that to be saved you have to be baptized into their church and do this, that and the other ritual. But Ephesians 2:8-9 states: “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” Mormonism, Roman Catholicism and all the other false religions teach salvation by works, but there is nothing we can do to save ourselves except repent of our sin and acknowledge that Jesus Christ died, was buried and rose again, that He made the final and ultimate sacrifice for our sins. Praise His holy Name.
The Mormon wanted to come to my house, but the Scripture I quoted yesterday clearly states that Christians should not let anyone come into their house who does not bring the doctrine of Christ, the doctrine of the Bible. And today I also read this: “That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive[.]” Ephesians 4:14, KJV. That Mormon accosting me in the street was lying in wait to deceive, all right, but Jesus is my Light Who exposes the darkness of deception with His Truth.
That all sounds great, eh? Except there didn't seem to be any conviction about my haughty spirit. And that's why I think I wasn't saved back then, despite my theology appearing to be quite Biblically sound. Anyway, another important event in March 2001 was my discovery, on the 24th, of Way of Life Literature, run by David Cloud. I still visit this site quite regularly today, and have quoted from it occasionally on my blog. Cloud is a firm believer in the Pre-Tribulation Rapture, however, and I have also noticed him being rather soft on Christmas (although he does acknowledge the pagan origins of many of its traditions).
There is evidence that I was still under some wrong doctrinal influence. From 26 March 2001: Have come across a phrase on the WOLL site that sums up my own basic position as a Christian: salvation is by grace alone, through faith alone, by the blood of Christ alone. I agree with virtually everything I have read on the WOLL site so far, except for one thing: David Cloud adheres to the Fundamental Baptist belief that the gifts of the Holy Spirit were for New Testament times only and don’t apply today. This stance is a reaction to the way the Charismatic/Neo-Pentecostal Movement has perverted the gifts of the Spirit into a kind of New Age experience. But I believe Christians CAN receive supernatural gifts from the Holy Spirit today, provided it suits His sovereign purpose. Just because the Charismatics have grossly abused Scripture and perverted the “gifts of the Spirit” concept does not mean it should be rejected altogether.
Notice that I do not give any Scriptural justification for that belief. I was really just influenced by the likes of Derek Prince (in fact, I record that I read several small books by him during March and April 2001).
Anyway, after that my Great Theology Shift seemed to be more or less complete, if not perfect. In November 2003, I bought a small hardback King James Bible. And I continued to show some spiritual understanding, such as describing how I broke my word to someone, was convicted by the Scripture about letting your Yea be Yea and your Nay, Nay, and eventually kept my promise after another opportunity presented itself. Yet 2003 was also a year in which porn, which I had managed to avoid for a while, made a comeback in my life. More backsliding after that "recommitment". Moreover, I continued to indulge other worldly habits, including collecting with gusto, and watching plenty of TV, listening to worldly music and having a prideful attitude. While I recorded much of that in my diaries, I never once wrote about any of the porn I was looking at. This was due to fear of discovery. But also, I was ashamed of it, more ashamed than of any other sins that I didn't mind talking about so much. As the decade progressed, so did my spiritual decline as I started buying online adult magazines and also became involved (in 2007 and then 2009) in a couple of forums devoted to Shortland Street, a local soap in New Zealand. It is really a very wicked show, as I'm sure other NZ members here could attest to if they have ever watched it in the past. Not only did I play an active part in these forums, but I actually became a moderator on one and an admin on the other! I was pretty quiet about my Christian beliefs, but I remember having some problems with a few teenage members who misbehaved horribly. One professed to be a Christian, so I questioned how genuine her faith was in view of her behaviour. (A tad hypocritical, methinks.) She did not take kindly to that (shock, horror), saying that I was "attacking her faith" and that she had "lost all respect for me" (although she never had much to begin with). Other people said I was out of line. So, I apologised, if rather half-heartedly. The weird thing about that whole incident was they implied I was somehow attacking Christianity itself, which I wouldn't have thought would bother them that much. But I was questioning whether she was really born again (although I didn't use that exact phrase). I was stressing that her behaviour and her profession didn't line up. Although in view of my own bad spiritual condition, I was judging her with a rather large beam in my eye.
Something else I did in the late 2000s was write a couple of children's books (mystery/adventure stories that were similar to the Enid Blyton/Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew/Three Investigators books I used to love as a child and still liked as an adult). Self-published these on Lulu.com. I must admit, I entertained prideful dreams of becoming a best-selling author. I had fantasies of seeing my books in bookshops, signing autographs for my enthralled readers, appearing in TV interviews to talk about them, and so on. All about my glory, basically. Well in the end, neither book sold many copies. Combined, the sales of both of them failed to make double figures. I also tried my hand at translating existing children's books in other languages, but that was a fail as well. However, I am actually glad of that. If I'd had success with either of these ventures, I would have become very puffed up - even more than I already was. Incidentally, I withdrew the two books from Lulu.com in 2015.
In 2011, things got very interesting again. In February, I wrote across several entries about my mother's brand of Christianity, and described it as a "sham". However, I was also at pains to point out that the Bible itself revealed this in what it said about good trees and bad trees and their respective fruits. On 10 February 2011, I noted, I reckon a “tree” that produced “fruit” like verbal and emotional abuse, and other controlling behaviours, has got something pretty badly wrong with it. There’s certainly none of the “fruit of the Spirit” as described in Galatians. On the other hand, a fair few “works of the flesh” are in evidence.
But like with that girl on the Shortland Street forum, I was judging hypocritically. However, God began to wake me up, beginning on 19 July 2011: An epiphany of sorts I’ve had recently: God’s absolute moral standards, as revealed in the Bible, are the same regardless of prevailing cultural beliefs or people’s feelings. All too often, people (including Christians) allow themselves to be guided by their feelings rather than the Word of God. And I have been as guilty of that as anyone sometimes (often, even).
I followed that up on 26 July with: Further to what I wrote at the end of last Tuesday: a common theme in popular entertainment (whether that be rock or pop music, or movies or television programmes) is “follow your heart and do what feels right to you”. But Proverbs 28:26 says, “He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered”. I think “walking wisely” means following the teachings of the Bible rather than your own feelings. The unchanging Word of God is like a rock, while unstable and changeable human emotions are like sand.
The next day: Another little epiphany/revelation I’ve had: the very first deception of humankind began with the words, “Yea, hath God said …”. Well, many modern-day false teachers will preface their corrupted ideas with phrases like, “Did God REALLY say …” or “Does the Bible actually say …” or perhaps something along the lines of “What does God/the Bible/Scripture REALLY say here?” and so on. Anyone who constantly tries to cast doubt on orthodox Christian doctrine or apply a radical new (mis)interpretation on what the Bible plainly and understandably teaches is more than likely a “wolf in sheep’s clothing”.
Through August, I read several books by David Cloud. But in September 2011, there was finally some sign of repentance in my heart. Take this entry on the 4th: Incidentally, I read the following sobering words in Jeremiah 5:25 last week: “Your iniquities have turned away these things, and your sins have withholden good things from you”. Many, if not all, my current problems ultimately boil down to sin. Sometimes, it may the sins of others against me, but for the most part, it’s my own sins – the likes of covetousness and pride in particular. I have thought more highly of myself than I ought, and been a lover of pleasures more than a lover of God. 2 Timothy 2:19 says, “Let every one that nameth the name of Christ depart from iniquity”. I call myself a Christian, but I am full of iniquity. Something is rotten in the state of Rowan.
Then on 26 September, I may have been born again. Certainly, there is acknowledgement of sin and some humbling of myself before God, I think: For the first time in quite a long time, I did some praying and confessing of sins, and acknowledged that only Jesus Christ could save me, only His blood could wash away those sins, and that I could do nothing on my own account to please God or be reconciled to Him, outside of placing my faith in Christ alone. I sometimes wonder if I’ve genuinely done that before. If I have, well I haven’t borne much fruit. Works cannot save you, but good works are a fruit of salvation. A key mark of a born-again Christian is a changed life, but my life so far has really been pretty sinful. I have been proud, covetous, lustful, boastful, bad-tempered on occasion and slothful, among other things. I have sought to live life my way rather than God’s. Quite frankly, in Biblical terms, I have been a fool. But the Lord, in His grace, has been opening my eyes and drawing me to Him. I’ve been getting back into the Bible and looking at Christian Web sites and books. And now I am His – bought with a price, so I need to start seeking His will and obeying it.
On 4 October 2011, I got rid of my online collection of adult magazines: Tonight I deleted about 130 “adult magazines” related to spanking and nudism from my computer. Altogether I purged about $1,500 worth of material that I had been buying on and off since July 2008. Acts 19:19 in particular encouraged me to do this. After moving the magazines to the Recycle Bin, I deleted them from there as well. Then I deleted all the e-mails with the spanking magazine files so that I wouldn’t be tempted to download them again. As I did all this, I confessed to the Lord that I had done evil in His sight by viewing these magazines (in PDF format) for my personal gratification and asked His forgiveness.
You see how expensive a porn habit can become. This was the first time I had ever acknowledged it in the pages of my diaries.
Eagle-eyed readers might have spotted the word "nudism", and I would like to touch on that momentarily (again, hopefully without breaking any rules). You want to know what started me down the porn road, the imaginations of my heart aside? Nudist magazines. At university, then when I worked for that translation company, I would go into town and visit a magazine shop (there were several dotted around, so not always the same shop). While the standard "girlie mags" were wrapped in plastic, the nudist magazines were not. They were not "porn", because the people in them were not in sexually provacative poses. Moreover, the articles in them were about quite mundane things like travel or lifestyle advice. This meant that I could pick one out and browse through it. I never bought one, just flicked through it in the shop. I can still remember the titles of the magazines (there were three or four different ones available). But I won't mention them, because that would kind of be promoting them. What I liked to do was commit a few pictures (of women - I had no interest in the men!) to memory, then use what I had memorised later at home to fire up my imagination in a lascivious fashion.
I should add that I did have an interest in nudism that went a little beyond the titillation. Like the spanking fetish, it began when I was about eleven. So once again, it had its roots in childhood. When I lived in the States, there was a show (on NBC, I think) called Real People. It was a magazine show in which assorted reporters would seek out a range of funny or quirky people and then get them to tell their stories. My parents and I usually watched it together. Anyway, one night there was an item in which one of the reporters went to a nudist resort that was kind of like a small town. It might have even been in Indiana, but I'm not sure and it doesn't really matter where it was. He went to a restaurant and interviewed a waitress (holding a large and strategically placed menu) and also did a bit of a tour of the "town". I was absolutely captivated by this item. The whole concept of that lifestyle just utterly fascinated me. From that point on, if I ever saw anything on the TV news or came across anything in a newspaper or magazine about it, I was riveted. And so when I was looking at those magazines, and then later buying them online, part of the reason was an almost obsessive fascination with the overall lifestyle. I wanted to live that way. However, if I'm brutally honest, my primary motivation in buying those magazines was to gaze upon the nakedness of women. So ultimately, it was all about pursuing the lusts of my wicked flesh. That is what it boiled down to in the end. And on that note, I'll leave off talking about this particular subject.
About a week after deleting those e-magazines, I tried to share the Gospel on the Shortland Street fan forum where I was an admin. That went down like a lead balloon (who'd a' thunk it?). Three people in particular got very angry and let me tell you, there was something unquestionably demonic in the rage they expressed. I tried to stay calm, but one of them got to me. First I got sarcastic to him, then I banned him. Now, his behaviour was so poor that to this day, I think a ban of 12-24 hours would have been appropriate. But I allowed the flesh to get the better of me, and banned him permanently. (He had been a regular thorn in my side for about three years, so that played into it also.) This resulted in me losing my admin position (which was probably likely to occur anyway). By some strange quirk of that forum, or perhaps due to an error by the person who demoted me, I still had admin powers even though my member status had been changed and I no longer had access to the staff forum. Those powers were removed within another couple of hours, but I at least managed to make my final actions with admin privileges positive, in that I squashed some spammers trying to join. Meanwhile, the person I had banned was restored, I think while I still had my admin powers. So I could have banned him again, but I had learned my lesson. A few days later I was told in no uncertain terms never to preach on that forum again. I agreed because of what the Bible says about shaking the dust off your feet. Really, I should have left the forum at that point. (Probably the reason I wasn't banned was because I had been a hard-working and fairly reliable staff member up to that time, and I guess they saw that I didn't cause any problems when I had that two-hour window after the initial demotion.) But I thought it would look petulant, so I stuck around, although I kept pretty quiet. I continued watching Shortland Street for a while too, but eventually gave it up in August 2012, at which point I finally left the fan forum as well.
Shortly before giving up Shortland Street, I had an experience with Facebook mobbing on 31 July 2012: Family First NZ’s Web site endorsing traditional marriage was back up and running today, but a petition to protest the “marriage equality” bill was still inaccessible. The site, called “Protect Marriage NZ”, also has a Facebook page. On there, I boldly quoted Genesis 2:24 and Matthew 19:5 & 6, and said that a man and a woman being united in holy matrimony was God’s definition of marriage equality. That sparked quite the storm of vitriol, although there were a number of more civilised posts. One responder was Karl Burnett, a former Shortland Street actor. He made the interesting (and telling) revelation that there were many homosexuals involved in Shortland Street, and that they practically run the show! He also said his mother is gay.
When visiting Karl Burnett's Facebook page during that "storm", I discovered that he was encouraging his friends and followers to attack the Protect Marriage NZ page. So when I made the post I did, they swarmed me like a bunch of angry hornets. On this occasion, I managed to stay quite civil and not "clap back" at everyone attacking me. It was quite stressful though. However, my calmness paid off in that Mr Burnett decided to converse with me rather than just hurl insults. And that was when he made the revelations about all the homosexual involvement in Shortland Street and also his mother. Had I retaliated to any of the insults, I would probably not have learned that from him. In a strange sort of way, that was a good experience. Not pleasant at the time, but good in terms of learning how to cope with that sort of situation.
The Marriage Equality Act was passed by New Zealand's Parliament on 17 April 2013. This is how I recorded that moment: I’m switching to black, the colour of mourning, for this next paragraph. Tonight, the New Zealand Parliament passed the third reading of the Marriage (Definition of Marriage) Amendment Bill by 77 votes to 44, thereby making same-sex “marriage” legal in this country. It is most appropriate that the weather in NZ’s capital was so miserable – as if the Lord Himself was grieving over this nation’s foolishness and wickedness.
I felt depressed by this development, but I also felt great anger. Not all of the anger was related to the wickedness of this law. There was a pride factor as well. I had "done my bit" to fight against this. For instance, I had prayed against the bill, and also made a submission to the Select Committee about it (never done that before), signed the petition protesting the bill and made my feelings about it crystal clear on Facebook. So when the bill passed, I rather irrationally felt like a failure. As if I could have single-handedly stopped it! Also, I didn't seem to realise that at the end of the day, God had permitted this to happen. Of course, God permitting something is not the same as God approving of it. But when God permits something to happen, He has His own reasons, and at the end of the day, His ways are higher than our ways. However, I have no doubt that unless the people who passed that law repent, they will answer to God for what they did someday.
Back then though, I was absolutely fuming, and so on 23 April 2013, I joined the Conservative Party of New Zealand. I was never active in that party, but I have voted for it in three consecutive elections (although nowadays it's known as New Conservative and does not currently have a leader). At that time, it was led by Colin Craig, but he had a rather spectacular fall from grace. He was replaced by Leighton Baker, who didn't disgrace himself, but didn't inspire anyone much either. He ended up getting rolled after the 2020 election. But it was Colin Craig who drove the party's rise, and after he resigned (or was sacked), it has never been the same. In hindsight, I should not have joined the party, although it is the only party in the country to stand against abortion and euthanasia, and stand for some Biblical values. But really, I was guilty of carnal warfare, and certainly guilty of pride yet again.
Between 2011 and 2015, I listened to a number of different preachers, but many of them were not good. For example, one guy I followed for a while was Greg Miller, but he was an arrogant Ruckmanite who believed in the Gap Theory (which I think Peter Ruckman taught as well). Another was Joe Schimmel of Good Fight Ministries, but he endorsed modern versions over the KJV and disingenuously lumped all KJV-Only people into the Ruckmanite camp. More damningly, he preached conditional security heresy. Like many people who believe this heresy, he confused eternal security with antinomianism, not having a right understanding of how God chastens His own. Then there was Jason Cooley, who actually had a lot of good doctrine for the most part, but sadly a prideful and arrogant spirit with it. However, I listened to him quite a lot, and even lost a couple of friends who criticised him. One of those friends was heavily into Disney (although his wife even more so) and would not hear any rebuke about that, so perhaps not too great a loss there. Still, it was pretty sad at the time. Eventually, I did separate from Cooley after Nate Marino's exposé about him and his church (that's no longer online, I don't think). Actually, I did watch a small number of videos by Cooley a couple of months ago to see if he had changed at all, but alas, he has not.
Also during this period, I bought a lot of tracts, mainly from Chick Publications, Brian Moonan and a ministry called After Death What? Every so often, I would go out and drop these tracts in letterboxes. One neat thing about this was that I got to know my own area a lot better, going into streets I had never visited before. But I very seldom engaged with people directly. When I did, it was usually just to give them a tract and then skedaddle. Looking back now, I think I was practising a kind of "hit and run evangelism". I frankly had a "fear of man" problem, and in my usual prideful way of trying to solve a problem myself rather than seek God, I got around it by doing this anonymous delivery thing. I was obeying the Great Commission, I reasoned, without having to risk persecution. Seemed like the ideal compromise. Heh. (One thing wrong with Chick Publications is they actually use this as one of their selling points. "Too scared to share the Gospel with someone? Give them a Chick tract instead!" They're actually encouraging the fear of man by doing that.)
In 2015, I grew a beard, which my mother made no end of fuss about. The way she went on about it, you would think I was committing some kind of crime against humanity or something. There is of course no law that says she has to like it. The thing is though, she didn't respect my freedom as an adult to make my own decisions. It has always been thus with her. But I liked the way it looked and so I stuck to my guns. I still have the beard to this day. Also that year, I fell in love rather heavily with a blonde Australian girl who hung around a few of the same Christian groups on Facebook that I did (for instance, we both followed Jason Cooley and Brian Moonan). Even though she lived in another country, she seemed to tick a lot of the right boxes. Her theology appeared sound. She had a pleasant personality. She lived with her parents. And, if it's OK to use this word, she was hot. Like, she probably set off smoke alarms wherever she went. Or to use a more appropriate Biblical expression, she was very fair to look upon. I do want to stress that I understood then, as now, that character is far, FAR more important than looks. There are plenty of women around with great physical beauty who are subtle of heart and extremely wicked, and other women who may be somewhat plainer but who have a beautiful meek and quiet spirit. But if a woman happens to have both good looks and a godly character, I certainly won't complain. And this young Australian girl appeared to have that dream combination. I was smitten. Really got it bad. Like how Samson was with Delilah, possibly. I don't do poetry, but I actually wrote a love poem about her (I'll spare you that!). Never shared it with her, although I planned to if things had ever got serious enough. In fact, I just tried to build a friendship with her. Heavily influenced by Jason Cooley's preaching about courtship, I even went as far as to write a letter to her father, expressing my interest in his daughter and asking his permission to court her. In my ardour, I really thought that God was leading me to be with her. I gave serious contemplation to moving to Australia, although I wasn't about to do that unless the courtship went ahead and was successful. But she had lots of friends and family there, whereas I had hardly anyone in NZ, so I thought it made more sense for me to go there.
However, it transpired that my hopes and dreams of marriage and happiness with this girl were a house of cards built on sand. I thought at times that God was giving me favourable signs, but as both Matthew 12:39 and Matthew 16:4 say, A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign. For example, I read Genesis 12:1, where God tells Abraham, Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto a land that I will shew thee. And I thought that God was giving me some kind of "special message" in that verse. (My mother sometimes saw "special messages from God" in particular Bible verses too. Is that a sort of divination?) Well, He wasn't. The fact is, that command was for Abraham and no one else. God often gave specific commands to people in the Bible that were meant just for them. They are not for us to follow. To cite another example (especially after one of my confessions), He once told Isaiah to go naked for three years. Is that an endorsement of nudism for Christians? Absolutely not!!! (Although there are "Christian nudists" who would claim that - yes, I've been to those kinds of sites.) The only thing we SHOULD copy is their faith and obedience. It's all about context.
It's not that her father refused me. In fact, he never acknowledged my letter at all. (He probably thought I was crazy, which I wouldn't blame him for in the slightest, or perhaps he never got it, which would be a mercy if so.) Rather, my "dream girl" suddenly started preaching outright heresy. Over the course of three or four weeks, it was just one thing after another. Most seriously, she and her parents made it clear that they rejected the doctrine of original sin (i.e. that we are born with a sin nature). They also believed in sinless perfection and conditional security. There were one or two other heresies too, but those were the worst. Brian Moonan kicked her out of his group and asked people to pray for her. I followed Titus 3:10, A man that is an heretick after the first and second admonition reject, and contended with her a couple of times. She did respond to me, so if she was aware of the letter, she wasn't freaked out by it. But she refused to hear my corrections. At one stage, her mother joined in and accused me of putting words in her daughter's mouth (I think it's because I was trying to clarify some things with her). I defended myself, but was gracious about it. Still, the friendship that I had built up over the course of several months, and which had seemed so full of promise, now came crashing down with an almighty thud. It smashed into a million pieces - and so did my heart.
I went into a spiritual spiral. Apart from having a broken heart, I was really smarting over how utterly I had been deceived. Admittedly, this girl had fooled everyone. In order to fit in with other Christians on Facebook, she talked up her correct beliefs and kept quiet about the heresies. But one day, she was caught in a heresy by members of Jason Cooley's church, and rather than deny it, she defended it. After that, all the other stuff came out. I guess she figured she had nothing to lose anymore, so she was going to lay it all out. Good on her for that, in a way. But yeah, I had been greatly deceived, although my foolish infatuation had played a major role. When you realise you've been duped though, your pride hurts. So I was simultaneously depressed, but also seething from wounded pride.
Some people turn to alcohol to numb pain. Others turn to drugs. In reality, they're using their pain as an excuse to sin. And so did I. Back came my "old mate", porn. But I also developed an addiction to something else: gaming. In particular, I got heavily into EA Sports Madden Mobile, and then a year or so later, took up FIFA Mobile as well. These two games are cunningly designed to keep you playing. There are daily tasks. Daily contests between leagues. (I ran a league on Madden Mobile, and for a while also ran one on FIFA Mobile until it merged with another league.) Numerous special promotions offering you some shiny new player that's just slightly better than the ones you already have. With every new season, these two games became more and more time-consuming. When I wasn't playing those games, I was playing simulation games, especially flight simulators like Microsoft Simulator X, Prepar3D and X-Plane. These simulators at least had some educational value. I learned a lot of geography from them, and also a lot about the principles of flight. But even those games faded into the background as Madden and FIFA completely took over. It got to the point where I was doing almost nothing else. I didn't socialise, other than on a couple of adult forums I'd joined. I hardly ever went out. When I got work, I struggled to meet deadlines. My language went downhill rapidly as well. When I encountered a particularly difficult challenge or found myself losing a match, I would turn the air several shades of blue. The state of me was worse than it had been before 2011.
There were not many positives to my life between 2016 and 2019. During this period also, my mother "retired" to her bedroom, saying that she had "lived her life". (She has the master bedroom, while my dad sleeps in the loungeroom and has done so for nearly a decade now.) However, in November 2019, I did a trial flight with the Wellington Aero Club when they celebrated their 50th anniversary. It was in a Piper Tomahawk, and I have to say, it was one of the best days of my life. While my dad knew about this flight (at least, after I did it), my mother did not and to this day, has no idea about it. She has also never known about my flight simulation hobby. While I'm open with my dad about most things, I share as little as possible with her. It's just safer that way. Anyway, I have decided that I would like to learn to fly properly someday, but flying lessons are expensive. Then too, COVID happened to the world.
At the start of 2020, I was sick - a cold I picked up from a funeral a few days earlier. My mother was fond of turning illnesses into something approaching a global crisis, so I didn't tell her, although once again, my dad knew. For the first time, I managed an illness myself. It wasn't too bad either, although it helped that it was relatively mild. (This was a little too early for COVID though.) Apart from making one or two little adjustments, I pretty well continued on as usual. Neither of my parents caught it. My mother never worked out that I was sick either, when when I was in the coughing phase at the end, which got a bit nasty. Meanwhile, I also kicked off the new decade by quitting FIFA Mobile and deleting it. The amount of time I was spending on FIFA and Madden really had got beyond a joke. The last straw was a promotion on FIFA Mobile that required you to play 16 GAMES PER DAY - eight full games and eight half-games. They were at a fairly easy level, but the issue was time. They took So. Much. Time. Even more than what I was used to spending each day (and that was already far too much). So I got out of it at last. However, I continued on with Madden Mobile. But then EA decided to relaunch Madden Mobile on a completely new app rather than update the existing one. I decided that was my cue to quit MM as well. And indeed, I never downloaded that new app. However, they kept the old app going, although they shut down nearly everything on it in November 2020. That was the month when I finally quit Madden Mobile properly.
At the end of October 2020, my PC died. The last one had also died in 2016, but given me plenty of warning that something was wrong. This one gave me absolutely no sign that it was on its last legs. One minute, it was working beautifully, and the next, it was quite utterly dead. I'm very good at backing things up, so didn't lose anything, and soon picked up where I had left off once my dad had bought a replacement computer. But a little bit of rebuilding was required. And one thing I did was go through my bookmarks to check that the sites were still working. While going through Christian sites that I had bookmarked, I came across ... Creation Liberty Evangelism. Why or when I had bookmarked it originally, I cannot recall now. (I may have neglected to mention it in my diary at the time.) Anyway, I started reading articles. Notwithstanding that I was still in a very bad spiritual condition (still perusing adult forums - two in particular - and still using foul language), I really liked what I was reading. Especially the stuff about repentance, which I'm not sure I ever properly understood before. But it made so much sense. It was like some lights went on. As I began reading more CLE articles, I also started doing Bible study again, something I had long neglected. I remember coming across something in one of the articles about gamers being slothful and covetous, and realising how true that was of me. To my surprise (given how bad my spiritual state still was), I was not offended by this. It hurt, sure, but kind of the way an antiseptic hurts when you apply it to a wound. And as I read CLE articles and did Bible study, and also worked on my computer "rebuild", I finally drifted away from those adult forums.
I'd like to say two things about those forums. One of them was a spanking forum (yes, I went there again). One of the people on there was a Christian man. I honestly don't know if he was born again or not, but he was very nice. He was always very polite and respectful to everyone, and I had some quite interesting exchanges with him. It was rather unusual to meet someone who was kind of like me. And yet he had this fetish going on too. His preferences were different to mine, but he did understandably struggle to reconcile his perversion (because let's face it, that's what it is) with his Christian faith. So that was quite a fascinating experience. I don't talk to him anymore, but I'd like to ask you guys to pray for him, that the Lord might soften his heart to repentance and that he will be born again if he has not been. Anyway, the other forum was devoted to, well let's just say all manner of fornication. People would post pictures (you can guess what kind) and make comments. However, not every section of that forum was devoted to perversion. There were some parts of the forum where people could just shoot the breeze about anything. One section in particular was set aside for political discussion. And it was in that part of the forum that I made a shocking discovery: there were more conservatives than liberals there! These were people who loved Donald Trump, were sceptical about climate change, hated "wokeness" and so on. There was this really strong conservative presence. And yet they were also there, as I was, to indulge whatever evil lust (within 18+ limits) took their fancy. Make of that what you will, but it's what I found there.
Anyway, I have FINALLY made it up to this year! Which means this intro is nearly over! January was a very important month. On the 11th, I wrote this in my diary: God, in His great mercy, has shown me something about myself that is not particularly pleasant, but must be faced. What He has made me understand is that I have a covetous and idolatrous heart, and this is the reason for many or even most of my sins. Covetousness and idolatry go hand in hand, and while I may not worship graven images, I have set up numerous idols in my heart. I had a repentance of sorts in September 2011, but fear it addressed the "symptoms" more than the "root cause", especially as many of the "symptoms" returned when I backslid following the great heartbreak over [the Australian girl].
Then this the next day: In addition to a covetous and idolatrous heart, God has showed me that I have a prideful heart too. I can certainly think of specific sinful behaviours directly tied to pride (especially wounded pride). Pride and covetousness alike have been major stumblingblocks for me.
And then on 21 January 2021, came this: For the first time in a long time (several years, in all honesty), I prayed this afternoon. In my prayer, I confessed to God that I had sinned against Him and that I have a covetous, idolatrous and prideful heart. I also confessed something that I had come to realise yesterday: much of my bitterness over the [Australian girl] debacle stemmed from wounded pride. When you are completely fooled, it really hurts the pride. In fact, this is why people often can't admit when they have been deceived or they're wrong about something, because it hurts their pride too much. Now, what happened with [the Australian girl] wasn't God's fault in the least, yet I have, in a way, taken it out on Him and in this, I have done wickedly.
Things definitely changed for the better after that day. In addition to doing Bible study daily, I also began to pray daily. Early on, I did a lot of confessing - not only of specific sins, but also the root causes of the sins (e.g. "I did such-and-such because of pride", or "I did blah blah due to covetousness"). The filthy communication out of my mouth stopped almost instantaneously. A couple of times early on, I started to swear (because it had become such a habit), but then caught myself and stopped. Or if a bad word did escape, I quickly confessed it. Still in January, I was watching some Prada Cup coverage one day when they crossed to a female reporter who happened to be wearing an EXTREMELY low-cut outfit! Even by the liberal standards of local television, she was really pushing the envelope. Not long ago, I would have happily enjoyed the view. But as soon as I saw it, I immediately let out an anguished groan and looked away. What amazed me about that is it was almost an automatic reaction! (That particular reporter disappeared from the screens for about three weeks after that, and ever since she came back, she has always dressed very modestly, so I think she might have got told off.) Furthermore, if I am out and suddenly see an immodestly-dressed woman coming towards me, I avert my eyes. Not that I was ever one for open staring, but I worked out ways to steal surreptitious glances. Now however, I no longer do that.
As I mentioned somewhere way back near the beginning of this post, I am starting to get back into driving. This is part of a new move to take long overdue steps towards real adult independence. I recently completed a refresher driving course. That went well, although there were a few hassles with the scheduling (they kept wanting to change the times and a couple of lessons were cancelled - one because the instructor's car broke down, and the other because I had a tummy bug). But I just worked through that and figured that if a lesson was moved or cancelled, the Lord had His reasons for it. This past Sunday, I also had a drive with my dad, with me behind the wheel most of the way, and that went fairly well. In addition, I'm taking a bit more responsibility at home. That said, growth takes time. It's a process, and doesn't just happen instantaneously. At least some progress is starting to be made though.
Then there's the blog. I started that because I figured that God must have given me a writing ability for a reason, and a blog was one way that maybe I could glorify Him through my writing. I am quite enjoying it, but it can get quite time-consuming and sometimes I procrastinate when I should work on it. I have confessed the sin of slothfulness and prayed about it, but it is a particularly stubborn one to dislodge. One thing that I have come to understand however is that although God changes our hearts, He has not changed our flesh (at least, not yet). So all those evil lusts are still present, although I am learning that they can be overcome. Indeed, some things that have had a hold over me are starting to lose their power as I resist them and obey the Word, so praise God for that.
One thing I lack however is fellowship. I have never really had much in the way of true Christian fellowship. There are no good churches in my area. Too much of my fellowship over the years has been with non-Christians. I had some OK fellowship with some believers on Facebook a few years ago, but that all went away as I withdrew into my gaming addiction. Perhaps because I have never had siblings, or possibly because my mother has tended to isolate me (controlling people will do this), I have learned to be happy with my own company. But in a way, maybe TOO happy. When you're alone a lot, it can make you pretty self-centred, and that's not a good way to live at all. I don't tend to struggle with lonely feelings, but maybe that's because I keep myself occupied in one way or another (even if it's with idle activities). Funnily enough though, I do have a longing to be married someday. I regularly pray about it. But the kind of godly and virtuous woman I hope to meet will need a man, not a man-child. So I certainly don't expect one to just turn up tomorrow, because I'm not good husband material - at least, not yet. Of course, marriage is as much (or more) about what I can give as what I can get, and it's a bit the same with fellowship. It's not just about any benefits I can gain, and indeed, that should not be my focus. It's about what I can contribute, for the glory of God and the edification of Christ's Body. Whether that fellowship is with CLE or somewhere else, I don't know, but I hope it can be here. If not though, well I guess the Lord will work something else out in His way and time. Still, if I don't at least try, I'll never know. Sometimes you have to take a few leaps of faith, even if they don't all work out.
I believe that doctrinally, we have much in common. I believe that repentance is grief over sin, and that moreover it must be repentance towards God. It is possible to grieve over sin but not specifically repent towards God (see Judas for instance - he repented, but confessed his sin to men, not God, so it wasn't the true repentance God requires). I have not always believed this about repentance, but I do now. And I believe that Jesus Christ died for our sins on the cross, was buried and rose again on the third day. He shed His blood as a one-time, final sacrifice. You can only be saved by believing on Him with a repentant heart. Once saved, you can never lose it. A possible point of contention might be QAnon: I'm a confirmed sceptic on that front. But I'll leave my thoughts on that for another time. I also believe that COVID-19 is a real virus and not a hoax. However, I also think that a lot of the figures are either inaccurate or manipulated. When it comes to vaccines, I am on the fence, but definitely not keen on the COVID jab. You can use my blog to further investigate my beliefs and positions if you wish.
So, that's me "in a few words". :P Sorry that this has ended up being a novel. Although when I say "novel", it's certainly not a work of fiction. As God is my witness (is it OK to say that?), every word is true. I have laid a lot of my worst sins bare, although there are yet some I haven't talked about (believe it or not!). I've also judged myself in the process, I think. I hope I haven't caused any offence to anyone, especially when discussing my more "adult" sins. In many ways, over the course of my 49 years, I have had something in common with the Pharisees of old, in that I have had a lot of sound doctrine and understanding, and also zeal at times. But there has also been leaven, not to mention pride in the heart and other vile sins that have proceeded out of it on different occasions. I believe I am saved now, but I don't know when it happened. Maybe it only occurred on 21 January this year. Certainly, I have faced up to the sin of pride in my life in a way that I had not previously. I am growing in humility and charity, although there are still plenty of rough edges. And I am just growing up at long last.
All right, that is actually it now! :o If you have managed to persevere through all this, thank you for your patience. Although I am long-winded, I don't normally write posts that are quite THIS long! I don't intend to again for a while - this took nearly two full days! But I guess I wanted to cover as many bases as I could. OK, over and out for now. Whatever happens from here, may the Lord bless all of you. :)
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Wow, Rowan, that was quite the intro! I can relate to so much of what you have struggled with, too. Other than your experiences with porn, almost everything else you said was almost like I was reading about myself. Even though you pretty much gave us your entire life history, I want to thank you for sharing (though it was probably more than most people care to read all at one time...)
Anyway, welcome to the forum, and I look forward to having more discussions with you in the future.
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I hope I haven't caused any offence to anyone, especially when discussing my more "adult" sins.
I wouldn't necessarily say it's wrong that you talked about that sin, but I do know that there are people who didn't really want to read that part. I can't blame them for not wanting to and the reason is when you talk about something specific like that it puts images into peoples heads that they don't want to have. For example, people understand that some have dealt with issues with pornography but it doesn't mean that it's the best thing to say what specific kind of pornography your guilty of watching. Even mentioning certain things about that stuff can put images into peoples heads that are abhorrent and those that have also had that specific issue can actually be affected by it because of their susceptibility to that particular sin.
Ephesians 5:12 - For it is a shame even to speak of those things which are done of them in secret.
Philippians 4:8 - Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Personally if I needed to talk about something like that, I would have done so privately. It's not something I would talk about in a public place where anyone can read it especially because it's not necessary to go into certain details in a testimony. You can still talk about having done certain sins and still not give too much detail. You did talk about your issues with slothfulness, pride and other things and that you have had repentance over those sins. That would have been enough to see evidence of your repentance.
I read your introduction yesterday and was thinking of how to respond but haven't really been sure what to say because the Bible does say that everyone's sins will be revealed to everyone else at some point.
Matthew 10:26 - Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.
But at the same time it would be charitable to others to take what I said above into consideration. I don't want to say you did something wrong necessarily or diminish the fact that you put a lot of time in writing what you have, but I felt I needed to say something about it. I'm not sure if others are being cautious to say anything because of that or for some other reason.
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Hi Rowan
I have only just finished reading your introduction. That was really quite a long read. I wasn't being cautious in making any comments, with so much other reading and other things to get done, it took me about as long to read it as it did for you to write it. As Tim also mentioned, much of which could have been left out. I'm not judging though as I too have made many errors in my own postings and lots of errors in life just as we all have.
I should comment that I'm also a New Zealander but I have absolutely no time for the term "kiwi". In New Zealand there seems to be a level of pride that is really out of place and New Zealand is a nation that has a lot of very deeply rooted problems and many of those problems stem from a belief that New Zealanders are God's gift to mankind. Hmm, also the 'Kia Ora' bit in that there's no great value in writing something in another language that no-one else can understand. I'm grateful that CLE doesn't write things in Indian language that I would be puzzled by and would make me feel excluded by being from a different country and would have to waste time by looking things up to understand what they were talking about.
Anyway, welcome to the forum from me and I hope all works out well and over time you become an established part along with the rest of us and we all grow together as a family and all having charity one to another.
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Thank you, Jeanne, Timothy and Anvilhauler for your replies. Much appreciated.
I was trying to be as open and transparent as possible, but perhaps in the process I over-shared. My mother had a habit of telling her life story in great detail to strangers she met in the street, and maybe I've inherited some (or even a lot) of that tendency. However, I did say I would have no problem if some bits were edited out or altered. Either a moderator could do it, or you could make some suggestions to me about how I could rephrase some parts and I could do it myself. (Actually, I am starting to think of some changes or deletions I could make, but still welcome feedback.) Whichever you think is the best way to proceed. I completely understand what you're saying about putting unwanted images in people's heads. I confess that I didn't give that enough thought. In writing what I did, I was more wanting to reprove my own past works of darkness by exposing them and bringing them to light. This isn't something I've talked about very often (because of shame and so on). But there was a bit of the vehement desire, zeal and revenge mentioned in 2 Corinthians 7:11. It's been a part of me that I have hidden away on the whole. But that hiding of it has been part of my problem. Still, if I have put unwanted thoughts in anyone's minds through some of what I wrote, I am sincerely sorry for that. :-[ It's the last thing I would want to do.
Anvilhauler, there is indeed a lot of pride in New Zealand, and some of my own pride has been tied up in that. I have been guilty of pride when it comes to some of our sporting achievements, for instance. At the end of the day though, all of that is vanity (in both senses of the word). It's good to be loyal to one's country in the sense of not doing anything to harm the country or doing what you can to defend it if attacked, but national pride is another thing entirely. Like all forms of pride, it is abominable to God. I must admit however that I didn't really think of the word "Kiwi" as being a manifestation of pride. (I'm not trying to excuse it, I just genuinely didn't think of that.) To me, it's more of a handy quick word like "Aussie". The phrase "Kia Ora" is a well-known NZ greeting, so my thought process was to use a specific NZ phrase for the other New Zealanders here. I wanted to be a little bit original in my opening line, but come to think of it, that is perhaps a pride thing. And while I abhor pride now, and truly hate my own pride, that doesn't mean there isn't some still present within me. I note that in his audio sermons, Christopher always asks the Lord to remove pride from everyone's hearts, and there is no question that pride is never completely eliminated, because it is part of the corrupt flesh we all still have until the glorious day comes when our corruptible bodies are changed to incorruptible.
In conclusion, I would like to say that one thing I regularly confess to the Lord in prayer, and now also say to all of you, is that I have much learning and growing to do. Godly reproof is an important part of that. It both helps in growth and also keeps me humble. This is, I think, one reason why I need fellowship. When I'm a "lone wolf", it is perhaps too easy to develop bad habits or wrong ways of thinking or acting that could be quickly ironed out with a bit of timely reproof. Also, while the Word of God does much in itself, sometimes maybe you need someone else's perspective to highlight some faults you don't see very well. So I am truly grateful for the reproof from both of you, Timothy and Anvilhauler. And thanks once again to everyone for your responses so far.
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Apologies for two consecutive posts, but I have just realised that I can't edit my own posts on here (unless there is something I've missed?). But anyway, I just wanted to share a little realisation I just had, which is simply that I lack wisdom. I have a reasonable amount of intelligence (which in itself has been a source of pride over the years), but not much in the way of wisdom. In fact, much of my life has been defined by lack of wisdom. It is possible to be saved and still lack wisdom. I think of Lot and Samson. According to the Bible, they were both saved men. But when you look at their lives (at least, what the Bible has shown us of their lives), they did not show much evidence of wisdom. Even Solomon, who was the wisest man that ever lived and unquestionably saved, went through a period of folly. Not that I mean to excuse my own lack of wisdom though. Anyway, when I next pray, I'm going to address it particularly.
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In writing what I did, I was more wanting to reprove my own past works of darkness by exposing them and bringing them to light. This isn't something I've talked about very often (because of shame and so on). But there was a bit of the vehement desire, zeal and revenge mentioned in 2 Corinthians 7:11.
I have not read your introduction post, or rather, posts, but I wanted to make a few comments. First of all, in the "New Members Click Here" section, I provided examples of good introduction posts, and they were not structured like what you gave. Secondly, to that point, if you are having to go beyond the character limit for a post, and you are not writing an entire teaching or having a debate with someone, that should raise some concerns in your own mind.
I wanted to address the Scriptures you are using because it sounds like you either don't fully understand them, or you are just casually using them to imply a Scriptural reason for writing a long post. That is not what those verses are for.
The first part is from John 3:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
-John 3:16-18
So in the context of this verse, Jesus Christ is being set center stage as the foundation of salvation, preaching that the keeping of the law of God is not how a man is justified, and many Jews hated that because they perceived themselves to be righteous by keeping the law.
And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.
-John 3:19-21
The light that is come into the world is Jesus Christ, and men loved darkness, which is not just concerning sin, but also the ordinances of the Jews, the religious traditions of men. They love those things, and do evil in the darkness because it covers up their evil ways of living, and therefore, they will not come to hear Christ preach the truth to them, nor will they hear His disciples preach the truth to them, because they do not want to be rebuked and corrected. Those who are the children of God gladly come to hear the truth of Christ preached because, once Christ has given them grace and they are forgiven, they know they can live more openly because they do not live in their sin -- not that they have no sin, or do not sin, but live no longer therein, and hate those things.
These verses do not say anything along the lines of coming forward publicly and telling every specific dirty thing you have ever done. Why would you need to do that if the Lord Jesus Christ has forgiven you and cleansed you with His blood? Why would you need to treat us as if we are some sort of Catholic priest you have to confess to? You should go to God with those specific details, not to us, and if you already have, then why are you coming to us to give specific confessions about what God has already handled within you?
If we confess our sins [i.e. TO HIM], he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
-1Jo 1:9
The second Scriptures you referred to are here:
For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.
-2Co 7:11
Sometimes, I think there are people who, when coming to this forum, think they have to prove something. Please do not misunderstand; their testimony provides evidence to us of their salvation in Jesus Christ, but what I mean is that they are TRYING to prove something, rather than simply writing out their testimony of salvation in Jesus Christ, which is a simple matter. Those who have been born again in Christ don't have to prove anything because the evidence of their conversion will come forth naturally.
Vehemence in this context is more along the lines of a passionate desire to do good works, and to help out anyone in need, especially when it comes to the furtherance of the Gospel of Christ. I'll explain more once I do the commentary notes on these chapters (which is coming soon), but the zeal being spoken of is not demonstrated by listing out every specific detail of every sin you have committed (because even Catholics do that in a confession box), but zeal in Christ is demonstrated by motivation and discipline with the church and for doctrines of Christ, and the supporting of the ministers in the church, in helping them to combat against the false doctrines of false preachers, so that some can be saved.
The clearing of yourselves section; we have to remember that Paul was essentially addressing incest and fornication. Therefore, clearing of themselves would be to openly rebuke those things, and for those who would not repent of their wrongdoing, to remove them from fellowship and communion together with the church, so there would be sanctification, and therefore, would show themselves cleared on that matter, that they would not be spiritually yoking together with those who still live in darkness and would not repent of their sin.
This is why it is so important to understand the verses, and not just use them in a casual or uncaring manner; like to say "this reminded me of these verses." The reason I address that is because, for other people reading this forum, who are not a part of it, may take away misunderstandings from what you are saying. You have to remember that hundreds of other people read this forum, so we need to have that "carefulness" Paul talked about in 2nd Corinthians when say things here -- this is not just some casual social media platform; this is a community of Christians, and we are setting an example.
The passionate desire and zeal is not a bad thing when concerning the things of Jesus Christ, but unrestrained passions without proper wisdom and understanding is just foolishness. Now, because I have not read this very lengthy post, I do not want to be to harsh with you on this matter, because as far as I know, you could have gotten saved last week, and for someone who is new in Christ, I don't want to be too overbearing, since wisdom and understanding come by the grace of God with time. I understand that you have your own purposes for why you wanted to come here and talk with us, but in a face-to-face encounter, when meeting some new people for the first time, you would not have verbally said all the things you just wrote, and therefore, if you would not have done it in normal conversation, why do you believe that you need to act unnaturally when you come to this forum?
I don't know about other people, but I simply write the way that I talk. Maybe you can just try that instead because there is no call to impress here. I hope that's helpful.
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Apologies for two consecutive posts, but I have just realised that I can't edit my own posts on here (unless there is something I've missed?).
Correct; you only have a 30 minute window to edit your post before it locks. This is to prevent people from altering posts for deceptive reasons, of which we have had many such people blocked from doing so.
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I have not read your introduction post, or rather, posts, but I wanted to make a few comments.
Thank you for these.
I wanted to address the Scriptures you are using because it sounds like you either don't fully understand them, or you are just casually using them to imply a Scriptural reason for writing a long post. That is not what those verses are for.
It wasn't so much about why I wrote a long post, more why I talked about particular sins.
The first part is from John 3:
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. He that believeth on him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already, because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.
-John 3:16-18
So in the context of this verse, Jesus Christ is being set center stage as the foundation of salvation, preaching that the keeping of the law of God is not how a man is justified, and many Jews hated that because they perceived themselves to be righteous by keeping the law.
Amen! Of course, that struck at their pride as well, because if you believe your own works can save you (such as by keeping the Old Testament Law), that leads to pride and self-righteousness. Two things that have been a big problem in my own life, and which are often evident in the false converts of modern churches.
And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil. For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved. But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.
-John 3:19-21
The light that is come into the world is Jesus Christ, and men loved darkness, which is not just concerning sin, but also the ordinances of the Jews, the religious traditions of men. They love those things, and do evil in the darkness because it covers up their evil ways of living, and therefore, they will not come to hear Christ preach the truth to them, nor will they hear His disciples preach the truth to them, because they do not want to be rebuked and corrected. Those who are the children of God gladly come to hear the truth of Christ preached because, once Christ has given them grace and they are forgiven, they know they can live more openly because they do not live in their sin -- not that they have no sin, or do not sin, but live no longer therein, and hate those things.
I'm all for being rebuked and corrected. And I have been visiting this site for some months, reading the articles and listening to many audio sermons. I have been greatly blessed and edified by them. In fact, whether or not I last here, I will continue to do that. I don't think I would come here so much if I didn't want to hear or read the truth of Christ preached. I would have thought if I wasn't saved, I would be offended by the material on here, but I haven't been upset by it in the least. What does upset me is false doctrine. Such as Gap Theory, conditional security, limited atonement, just to cite a few examples of heresies that definitely offend me if I hear or read them. I do hate the sins that have been part of my life.
These verses do not say anything along the lines of coming forward publicly and telling every specific dirty thing you have ever done. Why would you need to do that if the Lord Jesus Christ has forgiven you and cleansed you with His blood? Why would you need to treat us as if we are some sort of Catholic priest you have to confess to? You should go to God with those specific details, not to us, and if you already have, then why are you coming to us to give specific confessions about what God has already handled within you?
I have confessed my sins to the Lord. Particularly back in January, there was a lot of confessing then. Well, there is regular confession to Him now as well, but there was a particularly large amount of it in January. And I believe that I have redemption through the blood of Christ, and that I am washed in His blood, and that only He can make me clean, for I certainly can't do that myself! Also that He has forgiven me. So I've had Godly sorrow about them.
My thinking with the confessions was showing what manner of man I have been. I have had a lot of right beliefs for a long time (hence the quotes from my diaries documenting that), but not a right spirit. There has also been this double-mindedness where I have had some quite sound understanding but still lived wickedly. The key thing lacking, I think, was proper repentance. A lot of professing Christians "miss the boat" because they don't truly repent. That's where false converts tend to come from. They don't humble themselves before God in grief and sorrow for their sin against Him. My mother is like that. She had this "conversion" at a Billy Graham crusade, and she has believed some right things (although quite a few wrong things too), but she has an extremely proud and domineering spirit. And for much of my life, I've had that pride in my spirit too. That is why for instance I had a haughty spirit when contending with a Mormon one time. My doctrine may have been more correct than his, but my attitude was anything but godly on that occasion.
The second Scriptures you referred to are here:
For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.
-2Co 7:11
Sometimes, I think there are people who, when coming to this forum, think they have to prove something. Please do not misunderstand; their testimony provides evidence to us of their salvation in Jesus Christ, but what I mean is that they are TRYING to prove something, rather than simply writing out their testimony of salvation in Jesus Christ, which is a simple matter. Those who have been born again in Christ don't have to prove anything because the evidence of their conversion will come forth naturally.
I was not consciously trying to prove something. But fair point about the testimony and evidence of conversion coming forth naturally.
Vehemence in this context is more along the lines of a passionate desire to do good works, and to help out anyone in need, especially when it comes to the furtherance of the Gospel of Christ. I'll explain more once I do the commentary notes on these chapters (which is coming soon), but the zeal being spoken of is not demonstrated by listing out every specific detail of every sin you have committed (because even Catholics do that in a confession box), but zeal in Christ is demonstrated by motivation and discipline with the church and for doctrines of Christ, and the supporting of the ministers in the church, in helping them to combat against the false doctrines of false preachers, so that some can be saved.
That all makes complete sense, so thank you for that.
The clearing of yourselves section; we have to remember that Paul was essentially addressing incest and fornication. Therefore, clearing of themselves would be to openly rebuke those things, and for those who would not repent of their wrongdoing, to remove them from fellowship and communion together with the church, so there would be sanctification, and therefore, would show themselves cleared on that matter, that they would not be spiritually yoking together with those who still live in darkness and would not repent of their sin.
Well, pornography is a kind of fornication. So I was trying to openly rebuke it in myself. In some parts of my post, I don't make any bones about my actions having been wicked, or in some cases judging my own motives for doing them. But if I understand you correctly, the open rebuke was of others in the church engaging in that sin so that they might repent or be removed if they would not.
This is why it is so important to understand the verses, and not just use them in a casual or uncaring manner; like to say "this reminded me of these verses." The reason I address that is because, for other people reading this forum, who are not a part of it, may take away misunderstandings from what you are saying. You have to remember that hundreds of other people read this forum, so we need to have that "carefulness" Paul talked about in 2nd Corinthians when say things here -- this is not just some casual social media platform; this is a community of Christians, and we are setting an example.
You're right, I have not been as "careful" as I ought. A good lesson for me, this.
The passionate desire and zeal is not a bad thing when concerning the things of Jesus Christ, but unrestrained passions without proper wisdom and understanding is just foolishness. Now, because I have not read this very lengthy post, I do not want to be to harsh with you on this matter, because as far as I know, you could have gotten saved last week, and for someone who is new in Christ, I don't want to be too overbearing, since wisdom and understanding come by the grace of God with time. I understand that you have your own purposes for why you wanted to come here and talk with us, but in a face-to-face encounter, when meeting some new people for the first time, you would not have verbally said all the things you just wrote, and therefore, if you would not have done it in normal conversation, why do you believe that you need to act unnaturally when you come to this forum?
A major reason I want to come here is for fellowship. I don't have a church, and there are no sound churches in my area. I'm too solitary right now. Spiritually, that's not good. As I said above, I have gained a lot of blessing and edification from reading articles, and listening to some of the audio sermons, and also reading posts on this forum over the past 6-7 months. In terms of doctrine, I believe we are of like mind. There may be some other things we don't fully agree on (like QAnon, or COVID, or vaccines), but in terms of Biblical doctrine, I believe we are in agreement. So about as plainly as I can state it, those are my purposes in coming to talk with you. But one thing I want to say is that because you are basing your comments on others' reactions, and have not actually read my first two posts (though I totally understand why), I haven't just talked about past sins. That's only been part of it. I also wanted to talk about the spiritual influences of my childhood (which were mostly not good), some core changes to my beliefs in 2000-01 (my beliefs became much more Biblically correct, but true repentance was still lacking), a major repentance in 2011 followed by more righteous living, then a period of wickedness in the second half of the decade after a major heartbreak in 2015. Then finally, this year's repentance and changes that have resulted from that.
There has never been a time, I think, when I didn't believe in God, or that Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life, and that He died on the cross for our sins, was buried and rose again on the third day. I have always had a lot of right understanding, but there has been this wickedness that has permeated my life as well, which has confused me often over the years. How could I believe what I do, yet still be into porn, and have all this pride, and so on? However, I think the missing ingredient has been that repentance. I thought I had repentance, in terms of godly sorrow, in September 2011. But the way I acted in the second half of the 2010s would suggest that the same double-minded pattern was still there. This time though, I think I've repented the right way, but maybe I'm mistaken? There was certainly sorrow in January, and ready confession of my sins, without any excuses. Plus belief on Christ, which I have pretty much always done. A big difference this year though is that a lot of the pride I had is now gone. Or at least, I'm much more aware of it, and confessing it to the Lord, and wanting to deal with it.
I don't know about other people, but I simply write the way that I talk. Maybe you can just try that instead because there is no call to impress here. I hope that's helpful.
It was helpful, and thank you once again. As for "trying to impress", it wasn't a conscious thing. I'm not denying trying to impress, just saying that I honestly wasn't aware of doing it. If I am trying to impress, then clearly there is still pride in my heart that needs dealing with. It's good for that to be brought out.
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Well, the response you just gave was more well rounded, and even from just the short conversation between you and I in this post, I can see evidence of a heart of godly sorrow, in which you are grieved that you have grieved God. That's who we, as a church, are. I am also grieved that I have grieved God by my own sin, so we, as the church, are the born again elect of God, saved by the blood of Christ, who gave us a repentant heart.
And that is the difference between those who profess Christ who go to hell, and those who profess Christ who go on to eternal life in heaven. That's why I wrote this book:
Why Millions of Believers on Jesus Are Going to Hell (https://http://www.creationliberty.com/articles/whymillions.php)
I didn't write that because I wanted to make churchgoers angry. I wrote that for people just like you, so they could understand the fullness of Christ's Gospel and have confidence in His salvation. God gives men repentance for the remission of sins, and a lot of people would have already lashed out against us for what we have said to you so far because they never got that repentance, but you did not lash out at us because you were given that humility of repentance.
Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine of Christ, let us go on unto perfection; not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, and of faith toward God,
-Heb 6:1
The knowledge, wisdom, and understanding will come with time, study, and prayer.
For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe. But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.
-Heb 5:13-14
A major reason I want to come here is for fellowship. I don't have a church, and there are no sound churches in my area.
I got that impression. That's why I wanted to address you on those points, just specifically on the Scripture to make sure we're on the same page, and again, that was me speaking from a position of only knowing what you said in your responses since I have not read your original post yet.
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Hi Rowan,
I agree with Chris, just by your conversation it is evident that you have that godly sorrow and humility from repentance. That's the most important part for us to see, and it is good that you are seeking fellowship.
I think it's interesting that you know those different languages. How did you learn those (besides duolingo)? How long did they take to learn for you?
I liked the part of your posts where you used journal entries to show what was going on at that time in the process before and after you were converted. I also have journal entries from that time for me and I think it's really interesting to see such a difference in myself from one entry to the next.
Anyway, welcome. :D
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Thank you for your kind comments, Elissa. :)
I think it's interesting that you know those different languages. How did you learn those (besides duolingo)? How long did they take to learn for you?
The first language I learned, in a manner of speaking, was my mother's Shetland Island dialect. She mostly speaks with a New Zealand accent (acquired from spending most of her life here), but whenever we visited my maternal grandparents (both of whom died when I was in my late teens), she would revert to the dialect when talking with them. So I got to understand it, although I can't really speak it. The Shetland dialect is essentially a variation of Scots, but because the Shetland Islands are quite close to Scandinavia (and indeed were once part of Norway), the dialect also has a few Scandinavian words thrown in (for example, the Shetland word for spring is voar, which has Norse rather than Anglo-Saxon origins). At home, my mother would mostly speak in a Kiwi accent (sorry, Anvilhauler, but it just takes less time to type as well as say than "New Zealand", which is really why I use it, though I can absolutely see how some people do use "Kiwi" in a prideful way, e.g. when they chant "Kiwi! Kiwi!" in international sports matches). But sometimes she would slip into the dialect. For example, if I was dawdling, she would say "Haest dee" (meaning "haste thee", in other words, hurry up). So all the negative influences that she had notwithstanding, that is one of the better things she did to shape my life.
Another early influence on my initial interest in languages was television. Doubtless TV had a lot of evil influences too (in fact, I have no doubt at all about that). But it did help to foster an early interest in language for me. For example, Play School (a show for quite young children - they also have versions in Australia and the UK, while the nearest equivalents in the US would be Mister Rogers' Neighborhood or maybe The Polka Dot Door) had a couple of Maori presenters, so they would occasionally speak a few words of that language. And Sesame Street used to have language segments. My first words of Spanish and French were learned from Sesame Street, I think. On the radio, there was a Correspondence School programme that I used to listen to if I was home sick (which was quite often - self-isolation is no novelty to me!). They would have French, German and Japanese programmes. I never understood much of them, but found them fascinating all the same.
However, I didn't start getting seriously into languages until we came back from the USA and I started learning French at my new school. I quickly discovered that I had an aptitude for it and it soon became my favourite subject. This led me to major in French at university. However, I also discovered German, French and Latin at university and rapidly found that I had the same natural aptitude for them. So that led in turn to a career in freelance translation. As for Duolingo, I started out in it five years ago, but only got into more seriously two years ago. I'm trying out all sorts of different languages on there, and also using it to brush up on existing languages. Some languages are quite easy to pick up, but there are some that are a hard slog and some I'll never get very far in (Navajo for instance is definitely not me, although the course for it is not very well designed - how a course is designed can definitely affect your learning).
While I have an aptitude for languages though, there are plenty of things I'm not very good at. Like Chris for instance, I don't have an aptitude for making money! Nor am I very good at science or maths (I can do basic maths though, which is all you need in daily life really). By the way, in NZ we say "maths", short for "mathematics", but I know in the States you say "math" (short for "arithmetic" I think). I remember at school being top in French and bottom in science. So I guess the Lord means for me to do things involving language and writing. On the other hand, while I certainly reject evolution, I'm probably not the best person to get involved in any detailed debates about it! (Even reading Chris' articles about that subject or other science-related matters, as excellent as they were, was sometimes a bit of a struggle.) One thing about my linguistic knowledge is that it possibly helped me accept the KJV-Only position without much resistance when I first came across it. No doubt the Lord had His hand in it all, but I could just see so clearly when I compared the KJV with my Good News Bible how they were saying completely different things in some verses. I realised that modern Bibles were not merely "updating ye olde English", as I had believed up until then, but adding to and subtracting from the Word of God.
Just quickly about the diary entries: that's why I included them, to show some key things happening in my mind and heart as the years progressed. They're a valuable record, and I do quite enjoy keeping records. Anyway, thanks once again for your reply.
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Rowan, it's interesting that you said you could never learn Navajo, because that's the language that was used for the Code Talkers in WWII. They actually used Navajo Indians to talk about classified information because that was the one code the Nazis were never able to crack!
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Hello Rowan!
I found your introduction to be a very fascinating read and there were many things that I related to as well. Though it was a bit more of a biography than an introduction! That's not a complaint though haha. :D
I do agree with Tim, Kevin, and Chris that this post wasn't the appropriate place to go into those details relating to your sexual sins. However I did find your analysis on child discipline enlightening, especially the part about violating the child's modesty. This was how myself and my siblings were often "disciplined". Like yourself and others, it was nearly always done out of anger and not with our best interest in mind. I can see how this could have contributed to my own struggles with sexual sins so this was quite an eye opener. It really does produce wicked fruit!
Video games was another part of your testimony that I related to. In fact Chris' article on videogames was exactly how I came across CLE in the first place. They certainly are very addicting, and before you know it, days, months then years of your life have been eaten away.
Being from New Zealand as well (I live in Auckland), I personally really enjoyed hearing about the various things you detailed over the year. It's interesting to hear what life was like, but especially the details concerning the various religious influences that you witnessed.
Both of my parents are from "Christian" families, and it's interesting to hear about aspects of the religious influences in the culture that were happening that could have influenced them to end up where they are today. (I am doubtful of all of them.)
For instance, like with your mother, I have recently noticed my own mother and a few of her family seem to have a strong Pentecostal/Charismatic influence. As well as my one of my friends' parents of a similar age. Also helps me to see why everyone is so lukewarm these days.
Most interesting however, and most important, was your journey in faith over the years. Because you had some very good understanding after what you call your Great Theological Shift. But it's amazing that you seemed to be so close on paper, but also so far off as well. It's incredible, and incredibly sad how many people are so close to salvation, the very Book of Salvation in their homes. But yet so far, cause they miss one absolutely crucial thing; repentance. I will be forever thankful for this understanding and gift. And thank the Lord that you eventually received this crucial gift as well!
Glad the Lord has lead you here and I look forward to reading more of your posts on the forum!
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Thank you most kindly for your reply, Joshua. :) Nice to meet another "EnZeder" here. It's interesting how we all seem to be quite spread out, what with you being in Auckland, me in Wellington and then Kevin down in Dunedin. I have been to Auckland and Dunedin a few times in the past, and they're both beautiful cities. Not as beautiful as Wellington, of course. (I'm kidding - they're all beautiful in their own particular ways.) One of the Pentecostal friends my mother had lived in the City of Sails. In fact, this lady was in Blockhouse Bay, which I think is known as a bit of a "Bible belt" in Auckland.
It's fair to say that I "over-shared" in some parts of my introduction. :-[ As I think I have mentioned in one of my subsequent replies, I have had a tendency in my life to be very secretive. Some of that has been due to covering up sin, but some has also been concealing perfectly legitimate activities that I was worried my mother might get uptight about (like the 2019 trial flight). So I wanted to be transparent here, just open up rather than keep things close to my chest the way I usually do. In doing that however, I forgot that there is a difference between concealment of sin and common-sense discretion. And as Chris said, I misapplied a couple of Scriptures. That said, I did actually hold one or two things back (they have been confessed to the Lord and forgiven though, like the sins I did talk about), and I did manage to refrain from some unnecessary details (for instance, I omitted the titles of the magazines I deleted and the names of the forums I used to be involved with). But even so, I said more than I should have done. The lesson has been learned, and I have been asking the Lord for more wisdom, as I also said I would do in one reply.
Having said that, I am glad that my observations on child discipline were helpful to you. It sounds like you have had somewhat similar experiences to me, with similar evil fruits being produced, which firms up my convictions about modesty violation being a real problem in this area, so thank you for your thoughts on that.
If you haven't already done so, please check out the video game thread in General Discussion, which has my specific testimony on video gaming (in fact, all the kinds of gaming I have been involved with). There is another new member, Dmac, who has a few gaming struggles of his own, and I think he posted there too. I did very much appreciate the comments you made in that thread about it.
Pentecostal/Charismatic theology and practices are really taking over many areas of modern Christianity now, I think. And not just in NZ, but many parts of the world. For example, we have long-time family friends who are Anglicans, but they also hold to a lot of Charismatic beliefs. For instance, they've done a bit of "holy laughter", or they might get "a word from the Lord", or "prophetic vision" or suchlike. They have quite a lot of involvement in the New Wine organisation, and they were enthusiastic promoters of the Alpha Course a few years back (thankfully, I knew enough to stay away from that). We're no longer very close to that family, which is probably just as well.
Finally, regarding what you say about being close on paper and yet far off, I have noticed this in some of the preachers I've listened to. Some of them have had a lot of truth, and I have learned good things from them at times, yet there is this proud and arrogant spirit within them as well. It goes to show that you can have a lot of understanding, but if there is no true repentance, then you're as lost as any person living in open sin. It seems all the more significant that the first word uttered by both John the Baptist and the Lord Jesus Christ in their public ministries was "Repent". I do give fervent thanks to the Lord for giving me a proper understanding of repentance and granting me the repentance I needed, and also for His longsuffering with all my past foolishness and wickedness.
Thank you once again for your response, Joshua, and I hope to chat more with you in the future. :D
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It's interesting how we all seem to be quite spread out...
Yes I thought the exact same thing! It brought to mind,
Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, to the strangers scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia, - 1 Pete 1:1
And other various verses that discuss the flock of God being scattered. We've got a pretty even distribution throughout the country. xD I think of that verse cause a friend of mine was talking about it, but in his translation, scattered is exiled. Which is a very different implication. And if you consider the church buildings, like he is a part of, it doesn't make sense for the Church to be scattered, well because the Church meets at church every Sunday!
I have been to Wellington twice, both just for a night or two to attend the annual March for Life. I really like it there, I find it a lot more pleasant and that it has a lot more character than Auckland, but that also might be partly cause I'm just getting a bit sick of Auckland haha.
I didn't mean to belabour the point, considering three others had already brought it up. It's clear that you received it humbly and have learned from it. But I just wanted to preface that before by my comment.
I can understand the willingness to share a bit too much. Often I have to shrug off the temptation cause usually the circumstances aren't quite appropriate. But it can be very relieving to get things off your chest.
Haven't heard of "holy laughter" before, but "a word from the Lord", or "prophetic vision" definitely heard that a few too many times. I have a friend is a repentant believer, and his mother is very much in this way of thinking / speaking. Somewhat recently he's told me of some rather crazy things that were foretold prophetically that have come to her and some other people, and have actually come true. But oftentimes they are usually quite worldly things, but still quite astounding. I didn't know what to make of it at the time but it's made me very concerned for what spirits are operating. Cause like you said about your mother, "what spirit"? I know she also was involved with deliverance ministries as well and has briefly mentioned to me some of the stuff that happened during those things, like people levitating. But yeah I am slowly understanding more but still need to look into this more before I approach anyone on the matter.
the first word uttered by both John the Baptist and the Lord Jesus Christ in their public ministries was "Repent".
Yeah I absolutely agree. I think it illustrates just how important it is, and it's a point I go on about whenever I talk to someone about repentance.
I had a read of your first post on the videogame thread. Thanks for sharing those details, the Exodus 32:6 is definitely food for thought as well. I suppose the things we enjoy the most typically are idols, and playing is all about enjoyment. I was also thinking, many of the games that you were involved have never really appealed to me. But that's probably because they contain no witchcraft! Yet it is interesting that even things that aren't inherently evil can still be bad, like it seems to be a trend through technology. Like junk food is badly made food, not inherently evil, but can lead to gluttony. I think of some of those games you describe similarly, not inherently bad, but how they are designed it can easily lead you into a trap. Just because through our modern age more things have become more stimulatingly, and can lead to unideal circumstances and often sin. But idk just an unfleshed out idea I've had.
Funny you mention people taking careers from playing simulators. I used to play an mmo with someone that played trucking simulator and he was considering that as a career cause he quite liked it haha.
I have some more to say about videogames, there's one in particular I want to post about that might be interesting to others. But I'll get on to that and plenty of other stuff I've been putting off after my last exam on Monday!
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Yes I thought the exact same thing! It brought to mind,
Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, to the strangers scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia, - 1 Pete 1:1
And other various verses that discuss the flock of God being scattered. We've got a pretty even distribution throughout the country. xD I think of that verse cause a friend of mine was talking about it, but in his translation, scattered is exiled. Which is a very different implication. And if you consider the church buildings, like he is a part of, it doesn't make sense for the Church to be scattered, well because the Church meets at church every Sunday!
That's a really interesting observation! And applying it to the whole CLE church, we're really scattered throughout the world. I was thinking that it could be fun for the NZ members to do a meetup one day, but that would involve a lot of travel for most, and in any case it's not something that should be considered until we've all got to know each other a bit better. Summer would be the most ideal time if it ever actually gets off the ground. But that's something to leave firmly on the shelf for now. Just thought I'd throw the idea out there though.
I have been to Wellington twice, both just for a night or two to attend the annual March for Life. I really like it there, I find it a lot more pleasant and that it has a lot more character than Auckland, but that also might be partly cause I'm just getting a bit sick of Auckland haha.
Well of course I'm biased, but I think Wellington does have definite character. The harbour and hills setting helps, but also the way it's so compact. Dunedin is similar in this respect. Auckland has some lovely areas (such as Tamaki Drive, Mission Bay, the Waitakeres and so on), but it can also feel somewhat soulless in places. Likewise, I have never felt particularly at home in Christchurch. It just feels too flat, even though the Port Hills are nearby.
I have never been on the March for Life, although I have been pro-life for as long as I can remember. Just have never been the marching/protesting kind. I think on the whole, that tends to be carnal warfare in any case. A lot of unbelievers (like Catholics) are also involved in it. Speaking of carnal warfare though, I was guilty of some of that when the Marriage Equality Bill (sadly, now an Act) was being considered in Parliament. Didn't go on any protests (and there were a few against it), but did things like sound off on Facebook about it.
I didn't mean to belabour the point, considering three others had already brought it up. It's clear that you received it humbly and have learned from it. But I just wanted to preface that before by my comment.
I can understand the willingness to share a bit too much. Often I have to shrug off the temptation cause usually the circumstances aren't quite appropriate. But it can be very relieving to get things off your chest.
All good. :) Although I think I was guilty of some point-belabouring myself! Just on the last remark about getting things off the chest, I have found that it is amazingly liberating to confess sins to the Lord. Maybe it is because of the forgiveness that we have through Christ's cleansing, but I think when you hold on to your sin and try to justify it, that is where you get enslaved to it. Whereas once you finally face it, and confess it freely and frankly while humbling yourself in godly sorrow and repentance, like David did in Psalm 51, or Daniel in Daniel 9, it's like the power it used to have over you just kind of vanishes away. The truth really does make you free, even when you're confronting the painful truth of your own wickedness.
Haven't heard of "holy laughter" before, but "a word from the Lord", or "prophetic vision" definitely heard that a few too many times. I have a friend is a repentant believer, and his mother is very much in this way of thinking / speaking. Somewhat recently he's told me of some rather crazy things that were foretold prophetically that have come to her and some other people, and have actually come true. But oftentimes they are usually quite worldly things, but still quite astounding. I didn't know what to make of it at the time but it's made me very concerned for what spirits are operating. Cause like you said about your mother, "what spirit"? I know she also was involved with deliverance ministries as well and has briefly mentioned to me some of the stuff that happened during those things, like people levitating. But yeah I am slowly understanding more but still need to look into this more before I approach anyone on the matter.
Another name for this "holy laughter" phenomenon is the Toronto Blessing, because it started in the Toronto Airport Vineyard Church, back in 1994 I think. You might have heard of that, maybe? It was all the rage among the Charismatic churches in the 1990s, and it's still popular today, although perhaps not as much as in the early days. Usually what happens is that the church pastor will stretch out his hands, or sometimes wave an item of clothing like his suit jacket around, and say some "magic words" (e.g. "Receive the Holy Spirit" or "Let the FIRE come upon you now!"), and then people will fall backwards and start laughing hysterically. Often, this laughter will also be accompanied by other decidedly unholy behaviour (such as making animal noises, or crawling over other people). This is supposedly the "joy of the Lord" or something. Hence the term, "holy laughter".
I think it is highly likely that the spirits operating in your friend's mother are familiar spirits, or spirits of divination, like the one the damsel had in Acts 16. Such spirits can masquerade as "God" or "Jesus" or "the Holy Spirit", or even as an angel of God, to deceive people. And what better way to draw people deeper into that deception than give them a few "prophecies" that come true? The fact that those "prophecies" were worldly is a bit of a giveaway as to the nature of those spirits though. But in any case, God is not going to break His own rule about not adding to the Scriptures, so on that basis alone, we can know that any "new revelation" purporting to be from Him is not of God at all. Of course, Pentecostals and Charismatics completely ignore the admonition in 1 John 4:1 to try the spirits, which makes them fair game for many a deceiving spirit.
I had a read of your first post on the videogame thread. Thanks for sharing those details, the Exodus 32:6 is definitely food for thought as well. I suppose the things we enjoy the most typically are idols, and playing is all about enjoyment. I was also thinking, many of the games that you were involved have never really appealed to me. But that's probably because they contain no witchcraft!
It's funny you should say that, since the sort of games you play (or have played) don't appeal to me precisely because they DO have witchcraft! However, Satan knows where our particular weaknesses are, and therefore how to tailor his temptations accordingly. Hence, some of the temptations that have worked for you wouldn't work for me, but the reverse is also true. I think gaming has had a very similar effect on both our lives in terms of all the wasted time and so on, we just got into it via different routes. Same outcome, different lures.
Yet it is interesting that even things that aren't inherently evil can still be bad, like it seems to be a trend through technology. Like junk food is badly made food, not inherently evil, but can lead to gluttony. I think of some of those games you describe similarly, not inherently bad, but how they are designed it can easily lead you into a trap.
Yes, like sport in and of itself is not evil, but a lot of sins tend to become associated with it (such as pride and covetousness). And the same seems to be true of virtual sport. The analogy between video games and junk food is a rather apt one!
I have some more to say about videogames, there's one in particular I want to post about that might be interesting to others. But I'll get on to that and plenty of other stuff I've been putting off after my last exam on Monday!
I look forward to that, but in the meantime, I wish you all the best for your exam! :)
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Yes we scattered all over! Chris has brought this up a few times in his teachings as well.
But I do like that idea! I agree when it's warm would be good. (Missing the warmth now as the cold as suddenly come.)
Soulless is an adjective I would use to describe Auckland haha. I agree Dunedin has character too and I was shocked how flat Christchurch was when I visited haha.
Yeah I do agree that it tends to be carnal. I didn't go last year (though I forget if there was one or not.) It's seems almost impossible to change people's minds on just one particular viewpoint, and quite a waste of time at the end of the day. When you consider the truth that unless their mind is changed in regards to their sin and Jesus Christ it doesn't really matter.
I was heavily involved with the ProLife club at my university (UoA) and still help out a bit, but it seems so pointless to me now. But I am glad the club exists and hope it continues to, they've tried to disaffiliate us three time in the clubs history. Though that was before my time.
I've had to learn again recently that I need to be more vigilant in confessing sins. It really is liberating. Praise the Lord for his mercy!
Holy Laughter sounds rather terrifying!
Yeah I thinking you are right about my friend's mum. 1 John 4:1 is good verse to keep in mind thanks. I might bring it up when I enquire further.
Exams and uni is all done now so I have a lot more free time but I will do my best and redeem it Lord willing! I have another post that I am working on that I'll post before the videogame one that I think you will find interesting.